If I Die
by cybersyd42
Summary: When negotiations on the alien planet of Silani go sour, it's McKay that gets it in the stomach. Cue some life-death reflections from Rodney, and plenty of tension and drama for his team mates. COMPLETE!
1. The Middle

TITLE: If I Die

AUTHOR: Cybersyd

DISCLAIMER: I don't own these characters, Gekko and the Sci-fi channel do. Wish I did though. I'd make them wear silly hats and dance to Abba for my own entertainment. Instead, I promise only to use them for non-profit purposes. Although if I were Peter DeLuise, I'd have a good think about the silly hats idea.

NOTE: This fic will involve whumping of the McKay variety. It will also feature a lot of flashbacks and flipping between timelines, but I promise it won't be as confusing as Memento.

**If I Die**

Chapter One - The Middle

"Move it!" Sheppard screamed, over the pounding of blood in his ears. He cast quick looks either side of him: Lieutenant Ford, running to his right, youthful legs crossing ground without effort; Teyla to his left, graceful, both hunter and tough prey, avoiding her captors. At the back, McKay keeping up, the oldest of the three, but not so slow as his lifestyle – and eating habits – might have suggested.

Adrenaline had a lot to answer for.

The huge, stone archway lay ahead of them, its mouth offering a glimpse of the woods beyond. A place to lose themselves in, to weave back to the Stargate and then home, to Atlantis.

Away from this nuthouse, Sheppard thought. The sound of thunderous boots a way off, and alarmed shouts, drove extra speed to his legs.

And a shot rang through the courtyard.

He was still looking forward, still driven towards the doorway. Saw McKay stop, stagger, from the corner of his eye. Sheppard turned in time to see him rock backwards, eyes wide, rabbit in headlights look. Ford was closer and twisted back first, grabbing McKay and pulling him forward. Sheppard glanced upward in the direction of the shot, saw a dark figure duck back from the wall.

"Major," Ford called out, struggling to hold McKay's weight as the scientist's legs folded.

Doubling back, Sheppard reached them in time to stop McKay from hitting the dirt, slipping his arm under the man's shoulders and hauling him upright. Together he and Ford half-carried, half-dragged the scientist across the remaining space of the courtyard. Ahead of them Teyla had already passed under the arch, and was now beckoning them to follow.

A dark outcrop of the forest fingered its way close to the eastern wall of the city, and leaving the road behind, Teyla led the three men across a patch of overgrown arable land and into the trees. The quiet zip of firearms continued, but there were no more sharp shots from the dark, no figures in the bushes. As they plunged further into the undergrowth the sounds faded, and were soon distant, drowned out by the quick breaths from his teammates, the gasps from McKay, the thundering of Sheppard's own heart in his ears.

_We need to stop. Assess the situation. Take a breather._

He heard Rodney moan beside him, a repeated mantra.

"Oh god, oh god, oh _god_…"

"Shush," he ordered, harsher than he intended. "You'll have the whole town down on us."

"Sir?" Ford shot him a questioning look.

They had ascended a small hill, now stood above a well in the earth, the ground relatively barren, overhung by widespread branches and shadows. "We'll stop here," Sheppard decided, starting the short descent.

The combined weight of the three men dragged them down quickly, thorny shrubs snagging Sheppard's trousers, hidden roots tripping his feet. They stumbled into the bottom of the well, Teyla putting out one hand to stop them from falling.

With a quick nod, Sheppard directed Ford to take point on the top of the rise they had just descended. Then he carefully deposited McKay on the ground, Teyla kneeling beside Sheppard as he took his first good look at the scientist. Pale face, body quivering gently, hands pressed to his abdomen.

"Crap," Sheppard breathed, pulling back McKay's shirt to reveal bright red blood oozing from a small bullet wound above his left hip. His hand crept around Rodney's side, across warm skin, then pulled back. "No exit wound."

Two wide, terrified eyes caught his own. "That's bad. That's bad, right?"

"Depends." Sheppard probed the wound carefully.

A hiss of pain. "Shi-"

"Sorry." He paused. Beside him, Teyla had her backpack on the ground and was rifling through it, finally pulling out the medical kit. A tight grip on his wrist drew his gaze back to those terrified eyes.

"I'm going to die."

Firmly: "No, you're not."

"Major, I've been _shot_."

"Yeah." He grimaced. "I know. But I've seen worse, Rodney." Which was true, he had. Soldiers shot down with only seconds to live, or less. Brain on the sidewalk and limbs blown to hell. He wiped some of the blood from McKay's skin only for more to pool in its place.

It'd take longer. But without a doctor, with Atlantis and its infirmary an eternity away…

"They _shot_ me," McKay repeated, a note of high hysteria creeping into his voice.

"They were shooting at everybody, Doc," Aiden broke in, from his position atop the small hillock. His eyes scanned the darkness for movement.

_Caught in the crossfire._ In the confusion, Sheppard could almost allow himself to believe that, but the shot was too clean, too precise, and from the dark look on Teyla's face, she knew it too.

_If we'd stood still, if Rodney hadn't been a moving target, then those genius brains of his would probably be cooling in the dust right now._

"Oh god." Rodney was squirming under Sheppard's touch. "I'm gonna die."

"Will you stop saying that!" Sheppard snapped. He paused, taking a moment to calm himself. "Look, no one is going to die."

"You say that," the scientist shot back, "but you're not the one with your guts open."

"McKay!" He dropped his voice, laid a hand on the side of the scientist's face. "Look at me."

With nowhere to go, the scientist turned his head. Two brightly dilated eyes returned Sheppard's gaze, a panicked expression.

"I am going to get you out of here," Sheppard said forcefully, feeling clammy skin under his fingers. "I am going to get us _all_ out of here. Is that understood?"

"Well, I think one of us should be realistic – "

"Is that," he repeated, slowly and deliberately, "understood?"

McKay stopped talking, his breath slowing from hysterical gasps. He looked at Sheppard, gave a very small nod. "Alright. I get it."

"Good." Sheppard glanced at Teyla. "Because I'm making it Teyla's official job to slap you next time you decide to get hysterical on us."

She nodded solemnly. "Understood, Major."

"Huh." McKay managed a look of mock offence. "Nice bedside manner."

"I do my best," Sheppard took wad of bandages into his hands, looked back into McKay's eyes. "We have to stop the bleeding."

"Yeah." McKay shuddered, staring at his wound in morbid fascination. "That would seem like a good idea, right?"

Beside him, Teyla snapped open a fresh hypodermic, then tugged at the physician's sleeve, pulling the fabric up to reveal raised veins and white flesh. With morbid fascination Rodney watched her plunge the needle into his skin.

"What was that?"

"Painkiller."

"Huh." The scientist nodded vaguely, his eyelids drooping. "Sounds like a good idea."

Sheppard finished binding McKay's wound, the best job he could, though the material pressed against the man's side quickly stained red. Ford had torn his eyes from their surroundings to glance at his commander.

"Should we move, sir?"

"No," Sheppard muttered bitterly, tugging McKay's shirt over the bandages.

"We have no choice," Teyla pointed out. "With forces from both the Silani government and the rebels hunting us, we must keep moving."

He sighed. "I know." Stopped, wiping his hands on his trousers, leaving a smear of crimson and the slight smell of copper. "Look, I'm guessing we're about two hours off sunrise. We use the darkness as cover and try to climb as much of this mountain as we can. We'll try and find some shelter before daybreak, then check out the land. Hopefully the Silani are too busy fighting each other to worry about us just yet."

"I believe it was one of the rebels who shot Doctor McKay," Teyla pointed out.

"Yeah." Sheppard clenched his jaw. "But they only fired once. I'm hoping they think that was enough." He tapped McKay's cheek sharply, prompted a jerk of his head and a widening of his eyes. "No falling asleep on the job, Rodney."

"Whuh?" The scientist shook his head slowly, blinked at Sheppard. "What's happening?"

"We're on the move. Think you can get up?"

A grimace. "No." But McKay started to shift, pressing his hands against the ground to lever himself up. Sheppard slipped an arm beneath his friend's shoulders, taking his weight and lifting him to his unsteady feet. The scientist clung to him, the weight almost taking Sheppard down to his knees before he could gain his balance.

Ford took McKay's other side before both men could topple, abandoning his sentry duty to Teyla. She sprang to the top of the hillock, surveyed the landscape as they manhandled McKay.

"This way," she said decisively, lingering long enough for them to ascend the hill after her.


	2. Canada Again?

**If I Die**

Chapter Two - Canada again?

A clear, brilliant blue sky blasted color across the horizon, sunlight trickling through fluffy clouds and warming the back of Major Sheppard's neck as he stood beside the event horizon, viewing the land around him.

The Stargate stood atop a low mountain range, its flat top stretching to the horizon on either side. Thick greenery spilled down the slopes to a river below, offering glimpses of blue as it wove from east to west, carving deep into the bottom of the valley and frequently hiding behind the curves of the land. In the distance another mountain range rose before them, tall enough for its peaks to be graced by white snow.

Save for the sound of birds, and the wind stirring leaves, the land was silent.

A familiar muffled cursing signaled the arrival of McKay, the last of the team through the 'gate, struggling to remove the Ancient life signs detector from his jacket pocket. Caught up in his task, Rodney stumbled down the last of the steps, the jolt prompting him to finally lift his head and take in the landscape.

"Huh. Another forest." He looked across at Ford, a smug look on his face. "I believe you owe me your next choice at movie night, Lieutenant."

Sheppard broke off his gaze to round on the younger man, a look of mock horror on his face. "Ford, please tell me that you did not do what I think you did."

Ford grimaced, dug one foot into the mud awkwardly. "Sorry sir. I really did think we'd see something different this time."

"Like?" Sheppard challenged.

"A jungle. A desert." He shrugged. "Anything except more pine trees."

McKay surveyed the landscape, a hill that rolled away from them, its surface hidden beneath a dense weaving of dark foliage. "Some of us like pine trees, Lieutenant. Plays less havoc with my allergies. And it reminds me of Canada." He broke off to grin at the uncomfortable Ford. "Now, I wonder what film I should pick. Your next turn is in four days time, I think. Plenty of time to think of something."

Sheppard gave an exaggerated roll of his eyes. "Great. So it'll be 2001 for the fourth time running."

"Hey! It's a classic movie!"

"Classically dull."

"I do not understand it," Teyla admitted, her forehead wrinkling in a frown. "Why would those animals behave as they do to the reaction of the giant rock? If the beasts of my own planet saw something of that nature they would flee."

"Oh god," Sheppard groaned, slapping his hand to his forehead. "Don't get him started."

McKay, ready to launch into a lengthy explanation, closed his mouth and glared at Sheppard. "At least Teyla is willing to appreciate the depth of the story. Obviously subtlety is beyond some of the audience."

"I'm wounded." Turning away, Sheppard resumed his gaze across the land. A snatch of something gray caught his eye, an oddly angular shape half-hidden by the trees. He took several steps to his left, then stopped, and blinked. "Huh."

Ford was ready with his binoculars, following Sheppard's eye line down to the bottom of the valley. Nestled between the two mountain ranges, lying atop the river, was a large settlement. A good eight kilometers across at its widest points, a dark wall circled a gathering of smaller structures, small houses and larger, unidentifiable buildings. Following the course of the river, it too disappeared behind the mountain's rocky fingers, and only gave up itself in pieces, a jigsaw of stone and wood.

"Teyla?" Sheppard prompted.

The Athosian shrugged. "As I said in the briefing, Major, I have not been to this address before. The people here are unknown to me."

"Could be some good trading opportunities," Ford offered, turning his binoculars to the east of the city to where the trees parted, and fields of cultivated land took their place.

"Coffee?" McKay said, hopefully.

"Wrong environment." Sheppard considered the fields thoughtfully. "Could be wheat. Maybe barley," he added, thinking of the illicit still Stackhouse had failed to hide from Weir.

"The city lies some way from the Stargate." Teyla's frown had returned. "I would not imagine these people have traveled beyond their planet."

"Or beyond those walls," Ford added.

"Uh…" McKay hesitated, his gaze drawn to the west. "I wouldn't be so sure about that, Lieutenant." He pointed down the slope, to where a thin cloud of dust and smoke was winding its way through the trees. The distant sound of engine noise could be heard, and whatever was causing the noise was also stirring the trees, sending flocks of ruffled birds into the sky, weaving about each other and cawing angrily.

"Right." Sheppard pulled his side arm free, nodded at Ford. "Let's go take our first look at the locals, shall we?"


	3. Mental Notes

NB: Thanks for all the great feedback! It means a lot, particularly when half my readers are also my favourite writers.

**If I Die**

Chapter 3 - Mental Notes

The source was discovered to be two engine-powered vehicles following a roughly hewn path up the mountainside. Sheppard, having led his teammates as close to the road as he dared, now knelt in the ground using a fallen tree as cover, binoculars fixed on the small convoy below.

They looked like jeeps, albeit jeeps with a different sense of style to the ones used on earth. They were slimmer and taller, standing above the ground in four thick wheels, but they were of a similar length. Two men rode in the front cabin, their faces partially disguised behind a metal grill that seemed to serve as a windscreen. The back resembled a trailer, little more than a box on wheels, with a metal cage-like structure giving it some form. Three men rode within, dressed in neutral colors of beige, brown and a deep green, trousers and sleeveless shorts. But even without the camouflage, the long, metal devices held in their hands labeled them easily.

"Soldiers," Sheppard breathed. "Looks like they're on patrol."

"Yet I saw no tracks by the Stargate," Teyla whispered.

"Maybe they don't know about Gate travel," Ford suggested. He shifted uneasily against the undergrowth, both hands on his gun.

McKay snorted softly. "They'd be one of the only people we've met who don't."

"How about we ask them?" Sheppard suggested, stalling a discussion before it could erupt.

"I will go," Teyla offered.

"We'll watch your back."

She nodded quickly, then rose, slipping soundlessly into the trees. Sheppard tried to watch her path but her movements barely ruffled a single leaf and he soon gave up and turned his attention back to the road.

A single "Greetings," called out down the hillside prompted the soldiers in the jeeps to raise their weapons, the vehicles pulling to a clumsy stop. Teyla emerged about ten meters to the left of their aim and waved.

"Hello there."

The weapons turned on her, prompting Sheppard to raise his own, but Teyla only smiled and started to walk towards the road, continuing to hold her hands in the air. "I am Teyla Emmagan. My teammates and I are travelers from distant lands. We mean you no ill will. Perhaps we can talk awhile?"

There was a brief commotion in the nearest truck as it occupants whispered to each other. "Where are your companions?" a voice called back.

Sheppard hesitated, but since Teyla was now within arms reach of the first vehicle and was still unharmed, he judged their risk of being target practice was an acceptable one. He turned to the others with a "that's our cue," and then rose, McKay and Ford following suit, weapon held down against his leg.

"Hi," he said, offering his best smile, but making no move forward.

The door to the first jeep opened and a man stepped out. He was tall, with olive skin, older than Sheppard with skin wrinkled by the years, and hair graying at the edges. He held no weapon, and at his signal ordered the other men to lower their own.

"My name is Haleel Jawesh," the leader stated, smoothly. He looked up at Teyla. "And your team?"

Sheppard started the short descent down the hill, Ford and McKay on his heels, and drew to a stop alongside Teyla. "Major John Sheppard. This is Lieutenant Ford, and Doctor McKay."

"Ah." Jawesh turned to Sheppard, his eyes flicking across the stranger's garb. "You are not native to this land."

"Not exactly." Sheppard hesitated, ready to assess Jawesh's reaction. "We came through the Stargate."

His comment earned a confused blink. "The Stargate?"

"Big, circular thing on top of the mountain," Ford explained. "You might have a different name for it."

"The Great Circle." The older man had taken a step back, looking at Sheppard appraisingly. "You say you are travelers? Not of this land?"

"Not of this planet, actually," said McKay.

Jawesh's eyebrows suddenly threatened to bury themselves into his hair line. "You are not of this world?" He shook his head, still disbelieving. "I did not think I would live so long as to meet travelers from the skies, although tales are told of trips through the Great Circle." He hesitated, then asked: "Have you heard of our planet? The great civilization of the Silani?"

"Um…" Sheppard's turn to hesitate.

"We have not been so fortunate," Teyla interrupted, smoothly. "However, we desire more knowledge of other worlds and are eager to learn all of your culture and history."

"And maybe do some business," Aiden added.

Jawesh's eyebrows continued to climb. "Traders as well as explorers."

"Well…" Sheppard glanced at the soldiers in the jeeps around him. "Medical supplies, food, that sort of thing."

Jawesh looked at McKay appraisingly. "Our people are also eager for knowledge. I know our scientists would be keen to exchange medical ideas."

"Ah," McKay began. "I'm not that sort of doctor. I'm a doctor of physics." He gestured vaguely with both hands. "Of, uh, gravity, and velocity, and…"

"McKay figures out why stuff does what it does," Sheppard summed up succinctly, earning himself a blue-eyed glare. "Machines, mostly."

Jawesh's expression of strength faltered, and he took a step towards McKay. "You are a doctor of machines

"Yes," McKay answered, briefly glancing meaningfully at Sheppard: "Basically."

Jawesh's mouth opened, ready to say something more, but then he closed it, clammed up, hiding his previous eagerness behind a controlled mask. The error was not lost on Sheppard, who silently filed the moment away under 'things to be examined later when there are less guns around.'

"The Silani government will be most eager to meet all of you," Jawesh said, quickly. "But it is not safe here."

Sheppard glanced about him, as though expecting Wraith to jump out of the bushes and shout 'boo.' "Really?"

"The Silani government has its," Jawesh hesitated delicately, "problems."

_Huh. _"Well then," with a gesture of his hand, "Lead the way."

"Our city lies some distance from here." Jawesh nodded at the two vehicles standing behind him. "You and I, Major, shall take this carrier, accompanied perhaps by your Doctor McKay?"

McKay blinked, as though astonished to hear his name, then nodded. "I'd love to see it's engines," he said, approaching the nearest vehicle, apparently oblivious to the shifting of weapons amongst Jawesh's men. A slight, almost imperceptible hand gesture from their leader and the weapons dropped, but Sheppard had noticed the movement, even if McKay had not.

"Perhaps later," Jawesh said, smiling. "I imagine there will be much of interest for you to see."

Sheppard nodded at Ford and Teyla. "You two okay to go together?"

"Yes sir," answered Ford, eyeing up his 'carrier' speculatively. "I'm looking forward to the ride."

The carriers, it turned out, not only looked but drove like jeeps. Battered, elderly jeeps. They creaked and clattered over both rocks and mud, oversized wheels grinding and crunching up and down hills, through ditches and squashing all beneath. Two of Jawesh's men sat in the front cab, next to the driver. Two others joined McKay, Sheppard and Jawesh in the back, and three clambered into the back of Ford and Teyla's carrier. The passengers stood gripping the metal rails of the cage, dividing Sheppard's concentration between the scenery around him, and trying to keep his balance. Periodically one of the men next to the driver would bang on the partition that separated them, reminding the carrier's passengers to duck to avoid low hanging branches.

Hardly the most dignified ride, John thought, although a thoroughly enjoyable one. A boys ride, although when he craned his head to watch the carrier behind theirs he saw Teyla, a look of unrestrained excitement on her face, hair whipping back to reveal a smile and bright eyes.

Sheppard lent into McKay's ear, having to shout above the sound of the wind. "You think Teyla's ever been in something like this?"

McKay, who was looking distinctly pasty, shook his head. "No idea." His hands gripped the metal railing tightly, his knuckles turning white. "Did I mention I was travel sick?"

Rolling his eyes, Sheppard turned his attention to the city ahead. As the distance between the carriers and their target decreased, more details revealed themselves through the trees. Several hundred small buildings of mud brick and metal sheeting housed the inhabitants, and crowded around a larger edifice. Four stories high, it was the only building made of the same stone as the city walls, and seemed to share its strength, roofed by green tiles and towering over the rest of the settlement.

"The great city of Silan," Jawesh said, his face beaming.. "Have you seen any finer?"

Sheppard thought briefly of Atlantis, emerging from the sea, silver spires glittering in the sunlight like some great, glass cathedral. "Not recently."

The carrier was moving at a faster rate, bumping along the track as it dove steeply down the hillside. The rough movement knocked Sheppard against the caging, prompted McKay to screw his eyes shut and flinch with each new shudder. It was only as the road started to flatten and widen, and trees started to thin, that the scientist relaxed enough to open one eye and peer at the city as it loomed ahead of them.

The road led towards an angular projection of the wall, a great stone archway as high as the tallest trees. Jawesh's proud smile now threatened to split his face. He gestured up at the wall as it drew closer, blocking out the sun. "This wall has stood for many generations, for a time beyond even our historian's remembering. But I like to imagine that my own ancestors had a hand in its creation."

"It's, uh, nice," Sheppard said back, wondering whether Jawesh would continue to wear that same smile if he had glimpsed Earth's Great Wall of China, or Atlantis itself. He raised his head and fixed himself with an expression of suitable awe, but this faltered as his gaze focused. Paying the wall closer attention, Sheppard began to see patches of paler stone, seemingly newer, bricks free of moss and of a coarser, clumsier craft. The city wall had seen damage, some recent, and the hasty efforts to cover the holes were less than successful.

Jawesh caught Sheppard staring, and his face darkened. "Not all respect Silani history," he said, gravely. "Some seek to destroy that which shelters and protects us." He glanced at McKay. "I imagine there are such fools on every world, however."

McKay, whose attention was focused on controlling his stomach contents, nodded vaguely. "Uh-huh. Completely." He stretched out a finger, pointed at a spot above the highest point of the stone arch. "What's that?"

Sheppard squinted, and with effort could just make out an image carved deep into the stone, and flecked with gleaming gold. A human figure, dressed in a long robe, held up a square, flat object with both arms. In the top right hand corner a simplistic sun beamed merrily, its rays reaching out to touch the flat object.

"That is a relic of times past," Jawesh said, his face gaining the same tight, pinched expression he had worn before. Dropping his gaze, he turned his back on Sheppard and McKay to address the driver in a quick, sharp tongue.

_Second mental note of the day_, Sheppard thought, privately. He glanced at McKay and saw the scientist wearing his frustration openly, chewing on his lip and staring up at the image above them with an intense look, nausea temporarily forgotten.

On Jawesh's instruction the jeep had begun to slow, traveling under the arch and finally drawing to a stop in the courtyard beyond. The second carrier pulled in alongside them, a cloud of dust rising form its wheels. One of the guards climbed out of the carrier's front cabin and was now unhooking the back flap, dropping the side to allow its passengers to clamber out. Sheppard followed Jawesh, dropping to the dirt neatly. Another guard did the same for the second jeep. Ford bounded out quickly, Teyla following with more grace.

Sheppard grinned at her. "Enjoy that?"

She did her best to brush the hair from her eyes, her cheeks flushed. "It was most exhilarating."

"Can we go again?" Ford asked, bouncing on his heels and grinning.

McKay was still, carefully, climbing out of the carrier, brushing off the offers of help from a nearby guard. He looked distinctly green. "I really hope not."

The two carriers and their cargo stood in a large, empty courtyard, surrounded on either side by towering stone. On the opposite side to the archway were two great wooden doors, and stood in front of them were a line of soldiers dressed in similar clothing to their compatriots, each one armed. Jawesh was busy talking excitedly with one of their number, occasionally gesturing towards the Atlanteans wildly, whilst the other man's eyes grew wider and wider.

Sheppard side-stepped to stand next to Ford. "So," he asked, in a low voice, "You think they're talking about us?"

"Don't know what we've done to deserve so much attention," said Ford, grinning. "I guess folks round here aren't used to visitors."

Teyla was frowning, studying the conversation between Jawesh and the stranger closely. "His reaction seems most odd considering the strength of this city. I have never seen a settlement so large or fortified as this without the people knowing of gate travel."

"And what about those?" McKay, now a healthier shade of pink, was nodding up at the walls around them. In the centre of each was a picture similar in size and style to the one above the arch. To the right, two figures rode what looked like an odd shaped lion, but with greater angles, with a face to its front and a tail at the back. Half-beast, half-carrier. To the left, a woman stood before a bountiful harvest of fruits and wheat, her arms held out wide. And before them, above the wooden doors, a male figure stood holding a long staff, his back bowed slightly in effort, as in the sky above him hovered…

"Wraith," Teyla said, grimly.

Sheppard studied the image of the dart, its neat lines contrasting sharply with the more organic curves of the figure below it. "Funny Jawesh didn't mention them," he murmured. "Us being the first travelers from the sky, and all."

"But look at the staff," McKay said, momentarily forgetting to lower his voice. "The way it's being held. Major, I think –"

"Visitors!" Jawesh called out to them, a smile plastered to his face. "Come! I shall lead you to our council halls."

Sheppard nodded, pulling his gaze away from the carving in time to see Jawesh's expression falter a third time, to see the man's eyes flick towards McKay, and then back when he realized he was being watched.

_Hmm. Third mental note._

This, Sheppard decided, following Jawesh as the great doors opened for them, was going to be interesting.


	4. Silan

NB: Okay, I know, short chapter. Writer's block! And, um, I just bought the first four seasons of B5 on DVD and am reliving my Marcus-love. I promise that in a couple of chapters time we'll be back to the present to check on McKay! But until then you'll just have to put up with some filler plot. Sorry!

**If I Die**

Chapter4 - Silan

The council halls were housed in the great green roofed building that lay in the centre of the city. A straight, thin road headed from the gates and it was along this that Jawesh and his visitors now walked. Jawesh's men took up positions in front and behind them, seeming more relaxed than before, their weapons slung into their belts, their postures natural. Jawesh's friend from the courtyard ran ahead of them, sandals slapping against the dusty ground as he disappeared into the distance.

"Preparing for our arrival?" Ford guessed.

Teyla considered the departing figure. "Most likely," she answered, her gaze drawn away to their surroundings.

Sheppard was equally busy looking about him at the city of Silan. Now inside, the settlement revealed itself as less impressive than its formidable walls suggested. Ramshackle houses made of mud brick sat in small plots of land, roofed by metal sheeting and with windows comprised of the same grill that had formed the windscreen to the carriers. Some buildings were larger than others, some identifiable as a hospital, a warehouse, a factory. None were in a wonderful condition, walls crumbling and propped up by wooden scaffolding. Several lay abandoned entirely, roofs fallen in and doors rotting. In a space of land outside the hospital stood rows of washing lines, damp, coffee-colored sheets hung to dry in the wind, stained and faded. Shops spilled goods out onto the street, fruit and vegetables displayed in baskets, their colors dimmed and their number paltry. Their tenders lounged against walls, eyeing the visitors cautiously, or broke off their chatter with a customer to indulge in an open stare. The faces of the Silani were drawn and hollow, thin arms folded over scraps of clothing, but their skin was scrubbed clean and their heads held high with a strange, noble pride.

The team passed what appeared to be a school, twenty or thirty children chasing each other with the unrestrained energy of youth, squabbling over a playground game or play fighting with mock punches, oblivious to the strangers. Sheppard lingered by the school fence, unable to stop a grin from forming, until he caught one of the adult teachers studying him from across the space. He returned the gaze evenly and the teacher looked away, dipping their head and flushing.

"Sir?" Ford asked quietly, stepping up next to Sheppard.

"Anything about this place seem off to you?"

The younger man frowned, glancing at the schoolyard. "Seems like any normal village," he said, then hesitated. "But I know what you mean, sir. There's this, I dunno, _wiggy _feeling."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "Wiggy, Lieutenant?"

Aiden shrugged.

McKay was engrossed in the Ancient scanner he clutched in one hand, walking on autopilot and oblivious to either his surroundings or the curious stare from Jawesh. The soldier had dropped back to walk alongside the scientist, looking over McKay's shoulder to peer at the display screen.

"What is that?" he asked, in a conversational tone.

"Huh?" McKay looked up, surprised at the man's appearance. "Oh. It's a scanning device. Tells me if there are any power sources nearby."

Jawesh pursed his lips. "And are there?"

"Well…" McKay stopped, having seen Sheppard's face over Jawesh's shoulder. The Major had caught the conversation and was now giving McKay his best hand signals. "Look," he said, changing tactics, "Jawesh, those images in the courtyard, what were they? I mean, I know what they looked like to me, but –"

"We are here," Jawesh said sharply, coming to a stop so sudden that McKay had taken several more steps before realizing.

Ahead of them the road split, forking to the left and right. Two trees were planted either side of the junction, their branches stretching out to each other, leaves intertwining. Ahead rose the council halls, an old building, the brick work mottled with age and repeated repair. The first floor was almost one hundred meters in length, a wide veranda reaching down to the trees. The second storey was longer still, a narrow balcony overhanging the first, constructed of wood and coated in flaking red and green paint. Details were picked out in flecks of gold, gargoyles carved into the swooping arches of the balconies and the shadows of the green roof that topped the fourth storey, each level expanding on the last like an angular mushroom.

In the centre of the verandah stood six men dressed in faded robes of gold and red, their heads bowed respectfully. They were surrounded on either side by half a dozen armed solders, dressed in the same clothes as Jawesh, but with a green sash across their chests marking them as of a different group.

Bodyguards, Sheppard guessed, wondering what threatened the planet-bound Silani to the extent that their government needed constant protection.

Jawesh had stepped forward, bowing low, then pulling himself upright into a stiff-backed position. "These are visitors from beyond the stars," he began, formally. "Major John Sheppard, and his team." His hand swung around to point at each of the Atlanteans in turn. "Teyla Emmagan, Lieutenant Ford, and scientist McKay."

"Hi," said Sheppard, stepping up next to Jawesh. "Uh, we're pleased to meet you."

The central figure of the six returned Jawesh's bow. "As are we pleased to meet you, Major John Sheppard. What planet do you hail from?"

"A place called Atlantis." He hesitated, noting the lack of reaction from any of the six men. "You haven't heard of it?"

Six heads shook. "It has been many generations since we were visited by people from through the Great Circle," said a figure on the far left, an older man with wisps of a grey beard clinging to his chin. "Our records of that time do not mention the name Atlantis."

"I am Antu Marikar," the first figure said, stepping down off the verandah to stand before Sheppard. The top of his head barely reached the Major's nose. "I am spokesman for the Silani council. We are most pleased to meet travelers from a distant star." He smiled ingratiatingly, and waved back towards the council halls. "Perhaps you and your team are tired after your journey? We have chambers within where you can rest and eat."

"Uh, sure," Sheppard responded. It had been less than two hours since he'd left the mess hall after breakfast, but a good military leader knew to eat when ever time allowed. "Then perhaps we can get to know each other a little better?"

"We are explorers keen to know more about other cultures," Teyla explained.

"And trade?" Marikar said, giving another Cheshire Cat smile. "You may find the Silani have much to offer you."

Sheppard caught Ford's skeptical look, although if Marikar noticed there was no sign. "Then I guess we've got a lot to talk about," he said, looking down at Marikar, and suddenly feeling very unclean.

Marikar clapped his hands together, turning back to the other five council members. "Then come! You will be shown to your chamber." He paused, turned back out to the road, his gaze falling on Jawesh. His voice became harsher, clipped. "You may return to your patrols, soldier."

Jawesh's expression fell for a moment, though he recovered quickly. "Yes. Thank you, Antu." He gave another bow and then stepped back, giving Sheppard and his team a lingering look before turning to his men.

"This way," Marikar repeated firmly, ignoring Jawesh. He turned on his heel and started walking towards the hall's open doorway. Teyla and Ford followed, Sheppard on their heels, but Rodney was still stood staring up at the building.

"Hey. McKay."

A gentle elbow in the ribs dragged the scientist's gaze downwards to meet those of his friend. "What?"

"Food. Inside. Now." Sheppard glanced at the bodyguards, who were stood either side of the doorway waiting patiently for their guests to enter. "Before they impatient, okay?"


	5. History

NB: Apologies for the delay. I'd like to say that Real Life got in the way but, uh, truth is I'm lazy.

**If I Die**

Chapter Five - History

The inside of the council halls wore the same, faded sense of opulence as the councilors. There were still vestiges of a lost luxurious period, great sheets of red and gold hanging from dark oak beams rich with intricate engravings, the walls decorated with fine tapestries and paintings, the furniture antique, steeped in history and strength. Now the colors had faded, the fabrics threadbare, the antiques scratched and worn.

Despite the state of their surroundings the council members and their bodyguards walked stiff-shouldered and heads high, carrying the same sense of regal nobility glimpsed in the faces of people outside. The look didn't seem to fit right on Marikar, the mask spoilt by a pair of cold eyes and his fixed, self-satisfied smile.

They were led to a room on the second floor, a long chamber with a wide window overlooking the city. A few quick orders brought bowls of fruit and boards of bread and cheese, carried by dour faced women, long hair covering faces wrinkled by the sun. Though in better condition than the produce sold in the streets, the food was universally decided to be a bad move by Sheppard's team, though Teyla went to the effort of thanking its bringers profusely.

Sheppard was rather relieved when the councilors left them alone. Two bodyguards remained at the door, their weapons slung at their sides. Taking a seat at the head of a long table, he waited for his team to join him at the far end of the room before leaning forward and asking: "So?"

"They seem like a…" Teyla hesitated, struggling for the right word, "a _polite_ people."

"I can't se anything they could trade with us," Ford said. "It looks like they can barely feed themselves."

"And doesn't that strike you as odd?" Sheppard asked. "There are fields outside, and plenty of land to grown on. Things seem pretty fertile."

"Wraith, perhaps?" Teyla suggested. "They have visited this place."

"You'd think Jawesh would have mentioned it," Ford pointed out. "He acted like he hardly knew of life on other planets."

"They don't know of gate travel," Sheppard mused. "That's new. You think they're hiding something?"

"Probably."

He looked across at McKay, who until this point had been unusually silent, engrossed in his scanner. Sat in a chair across from Sheppard, the scientist looked up and waved the device vaguely.

"I'm picking up some faint power signals. I think."

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "You think?"

"It's intermittent, and very weak." McKay frowned, studying the display screen intently. "I only picked it up as we got closer to the halls, but now it's disappeared completely." He shook his head. "It's strange. It's a centralized power source, as far as I can tell – nothing huge, no ZPM or naquadah generator, but nevertheless –"

Warningly: "McKay –"

"I don't think the Silani are as technologically backward as they might pretend," he finished.

"I don't think they're pretending, doc," Ford objected.

"We didn't think the Genii were either," Sheppard reminded him, grimly. His hand slipped subconsciously to the gun on his hip.

Teyla stood by a window overlooking the city. She turned towards it, contemplating the view. "You cannot fake hunger, Major. Whatever resources the Silani may have, the needs of the people are not being met."

"Well something's going on," McKay declared, his gaze drawn back to the scanner. "There's power coming from somewhere. And I want to know more about those pictures on the wall."

Sheppard sat back in his chair, resting on the two back legs. "The Wraith dart."

Teyla turned away from the window, her face creased into a frown. "It is possible that the Wraith have not been here in several generations," she suggested. "Their long period asleep may have led to some feeding grounds going untended for centuries."

"That's one theory," McKay said, dismissing it with a wave, "but I was more interested in the rest of the picture." He sat back smugly. "I take it nobody else spotted the weapon?"

Ford almost fell off his chair. Grabbing the table, he pulled himself forward and set all four legs of his seat onto the floor. "Look, Doc, I realize the Genii tricked us…"

"And the Silani couldn't possibly have a similar underground base?" Scowling, the scientist glared at the younger man. "What seems to have passed you by when you were playing spot the obvious is what else the image showed. Such as the staff the figure in the picture was holding."

Ford looked doubtful. "Sorry, Doc, but I don't see how that little stick could be a weapon against a single Wraith, let alone a dart ship."

McKay rolled his eyes and gave his best exasperated sigh. "Of course not, Lieutenant. But I don't think the Silani used to ride half lions, half machines. It's representative of something, in the same way that the lion represented a carrier."

"A weapon against the Wraith?" Teyla asked, a note of uncertainty in her voice.

The scientist gave a casual shrug. "Looked that way to me."

"No assumptions," Sheppard said sharply, watching the guards in the doorway cautiously. "Look," he continued, quietly, "All we know for certain is that the Silani are hiding something from us. And given our track record I think we should all be careful about what we say until we know a little more about what's really going on, okay?"

"Major Sheppard! I hope you do not think poorly of Silani hospitality?"

The voice came from Marikar, stood in the doorway, his hands clasped before him. Behind him stood the five council members. Sheppard straightened in his chair, his hand falling back to his gun, hidden beneath the table.

"No," he said, smoothly. "But it's not long since we last ate, y'know?"

"And alien food tends to play havoc with my stomach," McKay added.

"We are most grateful," Teyla cut in, her face a collected expression of calm.

They were gifted with another, wide smile. "Then perhaps we should begin to, ah, 'get to know each other'?" Marikar led the council members into the room. He waited for the five to sit and indicated Teyla and Ford should join them, before taking his own seat at the table end opposite to Sheppard. The Silan minister folded his hands together, his back straight, and looked across at Sheppard. "So, Major, perhaps you could tell us more of your home planet? Atlantis?"

"It's, y'know…" Sheppard floundered. First contact situations were his least favorite aspect to exploring Pegasus – aside from occasional firefights and hostage situations – and he found himself wishing for Weir's fluid tongue. "Nice," he finished, lamely. "Kind of like Silan."

Marikar greeted this with ill-concealed, if bitter, amusement. "Perhaps once that might have been true. Alas, our city is not as great as it once was." He leant forward and took hold of a jug of water, pouring its contents out into a beaker. "Have you heard of the Wraith?"

Sheppard felt, rather than saw, his people shift awkwardly. "We know of them."

"They have come to your planet? To Atlantis? You have been attacked?"

"We're not best friends, if that's what you mean." He watched Marikar drink. "Don't take this the wrong way, but Jawesh gave us the impression that we were the first aliens to visit Silan."

Marikar placed the beaker back onto the table. "You saw the images above the City gates. Had we wanted to, we could not have hidden our history from you."

"The Wraith are in our past," a second councilor spoke up. "They have not visited this planet for several generations. There are some who wonder if they still exist."

"Oh, they still exist alright.," Ford said, grimly.

"They are a threat to all people in this galaxy," Teyla said.

"Our common enemy?" Marikar gave a thin smile. "Then you see, we have already found something which unites us." He took a small breath. "Four generations ago, the Wraith came to this planet. They had visited us before, taking perhaps a dozen people at a time, but this time they nearly destroyed us. Our ancestors tried to defend themselves and were punished for their actions. Many were killed where they stood. Hundreds more were taken into the Wraith ships."

He stopped, his gaze drifting to the window. "Silan was once magnificent. Our great capital, surrounded by fertile lands, our people many in number, healthy and strong. Our homes towered higher than these halls, overlooked by the Great Circle. The Silani were smiled upon by the Gods." His expression hardened. "The Wraith almost destroyed our civilization. Our history, our knowledge of the sciences, they were all lost. The few survivors took refuge in the hills and only returned to the City once the ships had left. Their only thoughts were of surviving."

A third councilor turned to McKay. "We believe you may be able to help us reunite with our past, Doctor."

McKay blinked, confused. "Ah, okay. How would that be?"

"The Wraith left little standing," Marikar said, steepling his fingers. "Our scientists were killed, their laboratories burnt to the ground, their notes lost. What remains are fragments of their knowledge. The survivors gathered what they could find and archived them, studied them in the hope that we could one day rediscover their secrets." His gaze returned to McKay, expression thoughtful. "Alas, our progress has not been as successful as we would like."

"We wish for your help in this," the second councilor said, leaning forward a little in his chair, excitement evident despite attempts to restrain it.

McKay perked up, his eyes bright with curiosity, prompting Sheppard to inwardly wince. _Woah boy._ "Look, Marikar," he began, before the scientist could open his mouth, "I sympathize, but I'm still not sure how we can help you."

"Major –"

He shot a look at McKay, which Rodney had the sense not to ignore.

"You can work the Great Circle," the third councilor said. "Our historians tells us that our people were on the verge of discovering its secrets when the Wraith attacked."

"There are power in our relics," added another. "It is believed Silan was once able to harness the power of the sun, but our scientists struggle with the theory, and their efforts to recreate this past skill have so far been in vain."

"You seem to have knowledge," Marikar finished. "Perhaps greater than that which was possessed by our ancestors." Raised his eyes to meet Sheppard's. "Unless we are mistaken? I would hope that your arrival here signals the start of a great new age for Silan."

"We'd love to help," Sheppard said, his jaw tightening despite his efforts at a diplomatic calm. "But we need to know a little more detail. No offence, Marikar, but we've only just met."

Marikar inclined his head slightly. "Your restraint is understandable, Major. But we have a common enemy. We believe that the Wraith will return, and that the best way to defend our people against future attacks is to harness the power we once had." He rose suddenly, clapping his hands. "Perhaps the best thing for us is to show you our potential?"

Sheppard hesitated. Marikar was hiding something. No number of fake smiles could mask a slimy personality – the man reminded him of car salesmen back on Earth, or of the civilian bureaucrats who had tried their best to have him thrown out of the air force after Afghanistan.

He didn't feel safe.

_No leaping to conclusions,_ a voice reminded him, ruefully. On his right, McKay was almost bouncing in his chair, his scanner tucked back into his jacket pocket, forgotten. Teyla was maintaining that same aura of calm control, and only Ford seemed to share Sheppard's sense of hesitancy, the younger man's relaxed shoulders betrayed by the hand that lingered near his gun.

After a moment, Sheppard returned Marikar's smile and rose from his seat. "Sure. Can't see that it hurts to try and make a few new allies."


	6. Ow

Thanks go to OXBastetXO for her advice on certain military details...

**If I Die**

Chapter 6 - Ow...

"It _hurts_." Ground out between clenched teeth.

"Getting shot hurts. I'd have never guessed," Sheppard muttered, staggering slightly beneath the weight of his friend. Was it possible for someone to become heavier the more blood they lost?

And McKay had lost a lot already.

"Ford?"

Aiden ducked back from the team's tail, sidearm clutched securely in one hand. "We're not being followed. I think our escape was missed in the firefight. There's still a hell of a lot of noise coming from the city, sir."

"Good." Sheppard grunted slightly, shifting his shoulder as it continued to take McKay's weight. "Teyla?"

She emerged from the undergrowth ahead of them, her eyes bright in the moonlight. "There is an abandoned building less than a hundred meters to our west. I believe it will provide sufficient shelter for the night."

"Got that, McKay? Just a little further."

He got no response except a series of short, shallow gasps. Ahead of him Teyla curved between bushes and trees, choosing the most stable path, a thought Sheppard was grateful for. It already took enough concentration trying to find his own feet, to half-carry, half-drag the stumbling scientist along with him. She moved as a shadow, folding between the moonlight and the darkness, occasionally doubling back to make certain she was being followed.

_Maybe back on Atlantis I can join her on an Athosian hunt. See how she does it._

The building rose suddenly out of the night. One storey, barely more than a hut, ramshackle roof fallen in at one end, windows nothing more than empty holes in the mud and mortar. Definitely abandoned, and some time ago. The doorway was rotting and was pushed aside easily; the plants which clung to the stone and formed webs around gaps were less easily moved away. Sheppard considered pulling a knife, but Teyla put out a hand to stop him, moved past him to pull the foliage apart. She created a doorway with her hands, then let it close back over them after entering, concealing their hiding place nicely.

A small rock snagged the underside of Sheppard's boots, brought him and McKay down into an undignified heap. He rolled quickly, pushed himself up to see McKay lying on his side, fetal position, in the dirt. Teyla was bent over him, trying to tug the man upright and Ford promptly joined her, slipping an arm under McKay's shoulders to pull him up and lean him against the wall.

Sweat shone off McKay's face, a fine sheen in the moonlight. Eyes glazed and breath coming in short, sharp rattles. It took several gentle taps on the cheek before his eyes turned to Teyla.

"Doctor McKay."

"Ow," he responded, prompting a quick grin from Ford, one Sheppard felt himself share. His humor died abruptly when he saw a shudder roll through the scientist.

"I bet," Sheppard said quietly, moving to kneel by McKay's side. Beside him, unbidden, Ford walked to the small window, sidearm at the ready, safety off. The sound of distant gunfire could be heard coming from the direction of the city. Trusting his second to concentrate on the noise, Sheppard towards McKay.

"We're stopping here for a while, right?" Rodney asked, looking up at Sheppard for a nod.

"Right. Find our bearings, get some rest. No point stumbling around in the forest just to get lost."

"Good." McKay's eyes closed, slowly. "Because it's not that I'm unfit, it's just, ah, moving felt like a bad idea. A really, really bad idea."

"I know," Sheppard admitted. "But it's not like we had any choice."

He received a nod in return, slight, barely perceptible. "Yeah. Next time though, we steal one of those carrier thingies."

Another, small grin. "Agreed."

Teyla was unzipping the medical kit, rifling through its contents with slender fingers. She pulled out a wedge of fresh bandages, laid them to one side as she started to pick at the soaked wadding.

Disturbed by the movement, McKay opened his eyes and looked down with an expression of horror. "Is all that mine?"

"Dammit," Sheppard cursed, under his breath. "I thought we'd managed to slow the bleeding."

"I believe our recent journey may have re-opened the wound." She raised her gaze to McKay's, apologetic. "This will hurt."

"There's a surprise. Don't suppose you've got any of that, uh…" He lifted a hand and waved, sluggishly. "Stuff."

Sheppard rifled quickly through the kit and found four syringes, one broken but the other three intact. He snapped one out, then rolled up McKay's sleeve. After struggling for a moment to find a vein, he plunged the needle through soft skin. The utter lack of any reaction from the scientist caused him to glance at Teyla, worried, but she was busy preparing the bandages, had a wad of cloth ready to press against the wound.

She moved as if to press down, but Sheppard held out a hand, stopped her. Looked directly into McKay's eyes.

"This is going to hurt. Trust me, I know how it feels. But I need you to be as quiet as possible, alright?"

"Right." The drugs were taking effect, McKay's eyes beginning to glaze over. "No sense waking the natives."

"Something like that."

Teyla: "Are you ready?"

"No."

Sheppard gave a lop-sided grin, patting McKay on the shoulder, forcing his friend to look away from the bloody wound. "Just think of something else."

"What would you –" McKay cut off with a gurgle, Teyla pressing down hard on his stomach. Instinctively he tried to pull backwards but banged his shoulders against the wall, pushed his head back against the stone and screwed his eyes shut. For several long moments there was nothing except the sound of McKay snorting breaths through his nose, and noise from the forest outside.

Sheppard broke the silence when McKay's face had turned paper white and his knuckles, hands clenched into fists, were bright red. "Teyla."

She said nothing, her face expressionless.

Louder: "Teyla."

She pulled away with a small sigh, then quickly began wrapping bandages around the wadding. "It has slowed once more."

McKay had opened his eyes but none of the colour had returned to his face, and his breathing was ragged and uneven. "Jesus."

"Ow," Sheppard sympathized.

Teyla looked guilty. "I am sorry."

"S'not your fault." He closed his eyes again, chin dropping to his chest. Teyla's fingers crept to his neck, then pulled away.

"I believe he has passed out."

"Fainted" Ford said softly, his gaze never leaving the window.

Sheppard forced himself to give a weak smile. Patted McKay on the shoulder, got to his feet and turned to Aiden. The younger man's face was taut, studying the undergrowth outside intently.

"Doesn't look like we were followed, sir. And the fighting from below has stopped."

"Damn. I was hoping those guys would be so busy beating each other up they'd forget about us."

Ford raised an eyebrow. "Not overly likely, is it sir?"

Sheppard offered an apologetic shrug. "Guess not." He glanced back at McKay, ashen face still tense even in rest. Lowered his voice. "Look, Lieutenant, perhaps you and Teyla should use this opportunity to head back to the gate."

Teyla heard him, moving soundlessly up from her position by McKay to stand beside the two men. "And what of you and Doctor McKay? He requires medical assistance."

"I know, Teyla."

"You'd take him back to the Silani?" Ford guessed.

"It's crossed my mind."

Teyla began shaking her head, dark hair falling across her face. "I do not believe that is wise, Major. The Silani will ensure that you and Doctor McKay are held prisoner once more – and I do not think they will allow any mistakes a second time. Escape would be impossible."

"Maybe. But in the meantime the Silani would take care of Rodney. He's the one they need for that machine. And you guys can head back to Atlantis and mount a rescue."

"And what about you?" Ford pointed out. "No offence, sir, but you're surplus to the Silani's requirements."

"I'd be fine."

Another shake of dark hair. "You do not know that. The Silani have shown themselves to be ruthless. It is likely if you returned to their settlement they would use you to force Doctor McKay to work for them."

Sheppard was ready with a response, an easy: "Like I said, you'd send the cavalry. Besides, we don't know that they'd bother doing anything to me."

"And what about Doctor McKay?" Ford persisted. "If the Silani realize that he can't fix their machine…"

"Then he will also become surplus to requirements," Teyla finished, quietly.

Sheppard's heart sank a little, his quick answers dying unspoken. _They're right, of course. Too many ifs and buts._

Ford was watching McKay sleep. "Sir, I know I speak for Teyla when I say, we're not leaving anybody behind." He raised his eyes to face Sheppard's, determinedly. "It's not what we do."

His second smile proved more genuine, despite his inner voice asking whether any of them had a chance at reaching home. "Well, then I guess we should set about building a stretcher. We might have to make the trek back to the 'gate but I'm not doing that with Rodney whining for the whole trip."


	7. The Weapon

**If I Die**

Chapter Seven - The Weapon

It turned out that the Silani, just like the Genii, had a secret underground facility, although in keeping with the rest of the city, it was significantly less impressive. Built beneath the council halls, it consisted of little more than an oversized warehouse, a row of high windows bringing light from the street onto the dusty floor. Marikar had opened the door onto a narrow wooden walkway that stretched the length of one wall, before dropping to the floor in a series of steep steps.

Below them lay the Silani's 'relics.' Laid out like a ramshackle mechanics workshop, tables and shelves took up two thirds of the floor space, their surfaces laden with various pieces of alien technology - from large sheets several meters wide to the nuts and bolts that once held them together. At the end furthest away from the door a strange, funnel shaped tower rose up from the ground, five meters wide at its base, and connected to various blinking boxes via an assortment of pipes and cables. Sporadically a thin amber light emerged from its narrow top and pulsated weakly down its surface, before sputtering into extinction.

Around and between all of this milled Silani; slender figures in brown colored tunics stood in clusters at tables, or poring over papers, or searching through shelf upon shelf of unidentifiable objects. En masse, they twitched nervously when the door opened, two dozen faces turning to stare briefly at Sheppard and his team before resuming their work. There was an air of uncomfortable tension.

Tension that McKay seemed oblivious to.

The scientist trotted along the wooden walkway beside Marikar, leaning over the edge to peer at particular objects, and then to fire a question at the councilor. His scanner dangled from one hand, and was snatched up at various intervals to be studied intently, before dropping back to his side. Marikar's smile had widened even further at McKay's obvious excitement, although his answers, whilst pleasant, were short and vague, repeated promises of "later, later."

"Like a kid in a candy store," Ford whispered, keeping pace beside his C.O.

"Now we know what to get Rodney for Christmas. His own secret laboratory."

Teyla raised an eyebrow. "You believe he does not already have one?"

Marikar had stopped at the top of the stairs, forcing McKay to come to a reluctant halt. Indicating that his visitors should remain where they were, the Silani minister descended the stairs, and was greeted at the bottom by a younger man in a long brown tunic. Brown eyes darted quickly away from Marikar up to the walkway, then back again. Slender fingers twisted into each other, agitated, then up, ruffling wisps of dark hair.

_Stick a pair of glasses on him and you've got a very familiar Czech._

Sheppard strained to hear the conversation, without much success, Marikar keeping his voice to a soft hush. After several moments the councilor turned, a welcoming smile fixed on his face, beckoning them down.

"Come. Doctor McKay, Major Sheppard, please." One hand gestured to the man beside him. "This is our chief scientist, Rahul. He is more suited to answer your questions than I."

Rahul gave a twitchy half-bow, his head bobbing. "Welcome." He glanced at the room around him, rushed over his words to apologize: "Our work is nothing compared to yours, I imagine. Basic, at best. Marikar tells me you came from the Great Circle, I imagine you have rooms far more suited to their task than this one."

"Well…" Sheppard considered the lab for a moment, "It's not too dissimilar, actually. McKay here likes to work in the same mess."

"It's organized chaos," McKay snapped, raising his chin. "And the room doesn't matter. I once reassembled a Commodore in my tree house."

"A Commodore?" Rahul queried, stuttering a little.

"A computer."

"A –"

"Oh." McKay seemed to remember where he was. "Never mind. Maybe you should show me around? If we're going to be allies, I need to know a little more about what it is we can help you with."

Another quick bob. "Yes. Of course. Perhaps –"

A sudden crash from far wall stopped Rahul mid-sentence. A cloud of smoke rose above the shelves, coming from the pulsating tower that stood in the far corner. Forgetting the strangers, Rahul turned and started to run towards the alarmed shouts, McKay close on his heels.

"Aw crap," Sheppard muttered, under his breath, then louder, and futilely: "Rodney!"

No response. He gave a sigh and followed the scientist, Ford and Teyla beside him. Drawing closer, the cause of the commotion became apparent. One of the boxes hooked up to the glowing tower had shorted, smoke and sparks rising from its innards. McKay waded through the crowd of confused scientists, Rahul barely keeping up, snapping orders over his shoulder.

"You must have overloaded its circuits. Whatever material you've got as your conductor obviously isn't doing the job. This is a microwave generator, right? Then stop staring at me and start doing your jobs! Somebody check the inner chamber for cracks, we don't want –"

McKay's voice was lost amidst the sudden hubbub it provoked. Even on an alien planet it seemed people were willing to do whatever was asked of them if the brain behind the orders was big and loud enough.

"I'm not sure whether to be scared or impressed," Sheppard murmured to Ford, stood beside him.

"Glad I'm not Doctor Zelenka," Ford agreed, watching McKay snap his fingers at the now petrified Rahul.

"Don't let that exterior fool you – I've seen the doc strip chunks off McKay when he goes too far."

"Your Doctor McKay enjoys this?" Marikar queried, stepping into the space beside Sheppard.

"Any time there are experiments for him to play with," Sheppard responded, suddenly cautious, unwilling to trust the councilor or his plastic smile.

"What is the purpose of all these machines?" Teyla asked, examining the contents of a work bench.

"The tower before you is a power generator. We believe there were once five such machines providing energy to the city, but this is now the only one that remains." Marikar considered the throng of milling scientists distastefully. "When it works, it serves to power the other devices in this room. Unfortunately their success in this is intermittent, at best."

"And the rest?" Sheppard asked, not believing that Marikar would be so ingratiating if there wasn't more at stake. He suddenly found himself the object of a hard, considerate stare.

It broke off just as quickly, Marikar turning to call out over the crowd: "Rahul! Doctor McKay!"

The two scientists turned and after a second, pulled themselves away from the generator, McKay moving with great reluctance.

"I could help you fix that –" he began.

"Your help is appreciated, but I believe Rahul's team can handle it. Come," the councilor said, clapping his hands, "We should be fair to our visitors, Rahul. We should show Doctor McKay why his skills are so needed."

Turning his back on the power generator and the men struggling to fix it, Marikar led the group across the floor of the laboratory, several bodyguards following. Set into the far wall was a heavy looking metal door, flagged by either side by an armed man. They stepped aside smartly when Marikar approached, although Sheppard found himself the subject of several hard stares.

Rahul trotted several paces behind Marikar, his gaze flitting from the room he was now departing, and then at McKay. When the look was returned the Silani scientist ducked his head, his expression a mix of shame and apology.

Sheppard walked close to McKay, wary of the bodyguards. His hand rested on his sidearm casually, and he noticed that Ford was doing the same. Even Rodney seemed aware of the extra security, staying unusually quiet, his shoulders tensed beneath his jacket.

The corridor, a dull, concrete affair, stretched out for another few meters, closed doors breaking the monotony at regular intervals. Marikar drew to a halt at the far end beside another pair of security guards. After a few brief words in their ear, the men moved apart, the doors opened, and Marikar led his guests inside.

It was another room similar to the last, but although smaller in scale the number of scientists was greater. Unlike their compatriots, this group worked in a hushed silence, stood at several rows of wooden benches, their heads down, eyes focused on their task. In the centre of the room rose wooden scaffolding, enclosing something dark and metallic. Several scientists stood on the scaffolding, their arms laden with clipboards.

"What is it?" Rodney asked, stepping up next to Marikar.

"A great weapon left to us by our ancestors." The councilor continued walking, moving down an aisle between the lab benches. "We believe this was the reason behind the Wraith's venom."

The device was large and ugly. A squat box, five meters wide, sat at the bottom, its side open and its innards spread across the floor. Atop it arched a thin metal rod, and from this spilled a number of multicolored wires, some rejoining the metal base, others ripped free, loose ends trailing towards the floor. A second box sat a short distance away, and the pipe which had once connected the two now rested on the ground.

"A weapon," Sheppard repeated, skeptically.

"I realize it looks a little, ah, untidy," Rahul admitted, stepping between the group and the machine. "But our historians have found papers linked to its purpose. It was designed to fight the Wraith."

"No offence," McKay said, moving past Rahul to get a closer look, "But how? We've seen weapons before and none of them have looked quite like this."

"We…" Rahul hesitated, admitted reluctantly: "We are not sure. There are theories, ideas put forth by several generations of researchers before us. We believe it was designed to generate an energy wave that would," he meshed his fingers together, "take apart an object molecule by molecule, in an instant. Remove the bonds between each component."

"Really?" McKay reached out to touch the surface of the machine. "I'd love to see the plans."

"So would I," Rahul said, giving a strange, humorless laugh. At the questioning look he explained: "There are no plans. No original diagrams, not even a list of its parts. All we have are what you see here, and on the tables around you. This weapon was one of its kind, a prototype. The scientists who designed it died in the Wraith onslaught and their ideas were lost with them."

"Now you see why your skills are so precious to us, Doctor McKay." Marikar raised his head to look at the weapon, pride warming his features. "Our ancestors were an able people. They possessed knowledge that we can only grasp at. But you, with your experience of worlds unknown to us, you can give us the help we need to finally reclaim our forefather's dreams."

"A weapon against the Wraith," Teyla said, following the minister's gaze up the length of the machine. "It could protect all planets against Wraith attacks. Turn the tide against them."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," Sheppard warned. "You understand, Marikar, that we can't promise anything until Doctor McKay knows more. Right, McKay?"

"Hmm? Oh, well, obviously." He turned to Rahul. "You'll have to show me your work, explain how you're progressing."

Rahul gave another acquiescing head bob.

"And perhaps you and I, Major Sheppard, can discuss the arrival of more of your scientists."

Alarm bells rang. "Woah. I think it'd be better to let McKay figure things out first. We don't even know if we can help you."

"Major –"

Deliberately: "McKay."

"I understand." Marikar tilted his chin into the air. "Let me show you more of our past, Major, and perhaps you can exchange yours with me. We must know more about each other if we are to build on our friendship."

Sheppard glanced at McKay, who was bouncing on his feet, eager to bury himself in the mechanics of the alien device. "Fine," he said, reluctantly. "Lieutenant, stay with McKay whilst Teyla and I go back with Marikar."

Ford grimaced, but nodded. Obedient, if not happy about the idea of babysitting their resident genius. McKay grinned, and turned to Rahul, full of questions that the Silani scientist seemed only too happy to answer.

Marikar stepped into Sheppard's vision. "Shall we return upstairs?" he said, pleasantly. "I admit, Rahul and his team speak in a language unfamiliar to me. But we can talk of other matters."

"Sure," Sheppard said, replying in the same appeasing tone as the minister. He lingered long enough to see McKay and Rahul disappear beneath the scaffolding, then turned his attention to Marikar, and put on his best diplomat face. "Let's go build a friendship."


	8. Whittlin'

**If I Die**

Chapter Eight - Whittlin'

McKay awoke to see a canopy of trees above him, rocked unevenly across his gaze, glimpses of sunlight dizzying and melding the greenery into a blur. He tried to move, to raise one arm to shade his eyes and found them pinned by something tight across his chest. He was trapped, lay flat between the tight thing and something taut and firm beneath him. A wave of claustrophobia swept him and he panicked, air gone from his lungs as he tried to struggle against the cloth that held him down.

Big mistake.

Pain burst across his abdomen and chest, blacked out his vision and left him with only an alien gurgle when he tried to cry out. Bit his lip hard and struggled to catch his breath, fighting against both the pain and the threat of a panic attack.

"Doc?"

Forcing himself to take a deep breath, McKay felt the pain recede, and after several long moments he was left with only a throbbing ache in his side, and a dull, nerveless tingling across his chest and in his fingers. The black spots cleared, and he tilted his head back a fraction for Ford's face to swim into view.

"Whuh?"

The concerned look was abruptly masked by an easy grin and a relieved: "Glad you're back with us. Try not to move, okay, or you might fall out."

"Is he awake? Thought he was going to sleep all day."

Sheppard's voice. He couldn't see him, but he could hear him, coming from somewhere near his feet.

The dizzying movement of the trees above him suddenly stopped, then jolted, and he heard the rustle of grass and the snap of branches before something uncomfortably hard and uneven pressed into his back.

Something hard, uneven, and cold.

The ground, he realized, belatedly. Which meant that the trees above him belonged to the forest of Silani. Which meant that they were not yet back at Atlantis.

Which meant…

"Hey." Sheppard's hand descended to clasp McKay's shoulder warmly, as the Major dropped to a crouch beside his friend. "Don't try and get up, alright? You'll ruin all mine and Ford's hard work."

"I whittled," Ford said, grinning.

McKay blinked at him, distracted by the increasing pain in his side. "Whittled?"

"Yeah. Made you your very own stretcher." Sheppard glanced up at Ford. "I think the Lieutenant has a knack for it."

"Always excelled in 'shop, Major."

"I was a maths geek." Returning his gaze to McKay, Sheppard started to examine the wadded bandages, lifting them gently from the wound. "What about you, Rodney? I'd pick you out as a jock."

"Hah hah," he retorted, struggling not to fight against Sheppard's touch. Trying to focus on something other than his friend's bloodied hands, he craned his head back to try and look around at his surroundings. Noticed the missing member. "Where's Teyla?"

"Scouting ahead." Sheppard kept his head down, concentrating on his task. "I'm afraid getting back to the 'gate is going to take a little longer than we originally expected." He tugged hard on the bandages, prompting a sharp hiss and a gurgle from McKay.

"Oh god…" The scientist clenched his eyes shut, mumbled: "So what about that jeep idea?"

"Wish we could. But the road is crawling with Silani security squads. We think they're trying to hunt down the group that attacked the city. Unless things get a bit quieter, we'll have to take a slightly longer path to the 'gate."

Having finished tightening the dressing, Sheppard wiped his hands across pre-existing trouser stains. Turned to his backpack and pulled out a water canister, then held it to his friend's lips, slipping his hand under McKay's head to support him as he drank.

"Good?" he asked, when he judged McKay had had enough. At a nod, he put away the bottle, moved to stand when he felt a weak grip grab his wrist.

Blue eyes stared at him searchingly. "You should go ahead without me."

"Not gonna happen," Sheppard said simply, although he placed his free hand over McKay's tightly.

"If you left me for the Silani to find –"

Firmly: "No. Look, you're about two hours too late, McKay. We've had this conversation and it's already been agreed. We don't leave people behind." Briefly squeezed his friend's hand and felt cold fingers. "Besides," he joked, "Who's going to fix Atlantis the next time we break something? You think I'm leaving that job to Kavanaugh? We'd be at the bottom of the ocean in a month. You're irreplaceable, McKay, or so you keep telling me."

He wasn't falling for it. A whisper: "I'm serious."

"So am I. End of discussion."

"Major Sheppard." Teyla had emerged from the bushes, her cheeks flushed with exertion.

Untangling his hands, Sheppard got to his feet, McKay watching him walk across to Teyla to consult with her and Ford in quiet tones. Their voices carried softly across the forest clearing.

"Well?"

"I believe I have found an old path to the Stargate, one that has not been used in several decades. It will take us several more hours than a straight route but we should remain unnoticed by the Silani."

"How long are we talking?"

"At our current pace, six or seven hours."

Ford was shifting his weight from foot to foot awkwardly. "Sir, can we really expect the 'gate to be accessible?"

"Marikar said the land around the 'gate was a no man's land. I'm hoping that's still the case."

"And if it isn't?" Teyla queried. "We cannot hope to take the 'gate by force."

"Not on our own." Sheppard glanced at his watch. "But in about ten hours Elizabeth will start to wonder where we've gone. The minute she dials up the 'gate, we can radio for back-up. Get Bates and a team through."

Teyla glanced over Sheppard's shoulder. "Major –" and her voice faltered.

Grimly, quiet and indistinct: "I know. But we can get him to the 'gate."

"Don't wait for me," McKay mumbled, lifting a hand in shaky protest.

Sheppard turned, revealed a glimpse of remorse mixed with fear, before plastering it over with an easy smile and a mock stern look. "I've told you already."

"Thought I'd try again." He closed his eyes for a moment, his head swimming, and opened them again to find Sheppard once more by his side, that same hand on his shoulder.

Concerned: "Rodney?"

"M'fine."

"Okay." Patted the shoulder. "Just lie still. No falling out of the stretcher."

And then Sheppard's face disappeared, he caught a glimpse of Ford's hands, and then the ground shook and leaves crackled as the stretcher was lifted into the air. Above him, the ceiling of trees blurred into mottled green and he closed his eyes against a sea of nausea, trying not to throw up.


	9. The Hallan

Author's Notes: Thank you for all the lovely reviews! The Silani are shocking like the Genii, aren't they? Oh dear... well, this chapter should clarify a couple of differences. Hopefully.

NB: Damn site ate my hash signs! Excuse the ugly dividers...

**If I Die**

Chapter Nine - The Hallan

Ford stood with one hip propping himself against a table, military training refusing him taking a seat. He watched McKay and Rahul busy beside the weapon, Rahul pointing out particular wires or small contraptions whose purpose Ford could only guess, whilst McKay made various expressive noises and babbled about flux capacitors and buffer streams. He'd long since given up trying to contribute, every suggestion shot down by a perfunctory: "Of course not," from McKay. Now he stood, and watched, and counted the minutes. Was ignored by the other scientists who treated him like some invisible, immovable object to be worked around.

"Hello."

Ford turned to the direction of the voice. On the other side of the bench stood a lanky Silani, barely fifteen years old. His head tilted at the same angle as his people, but he displayed the awkwardness of youth, the insecure grasp of his own rapidly growing body.

Kids. He could handle kids. He _liked_ kids. Much more so than arrogant, genius scientists.

"Hi," he offered, then stretched out his hand across the table. The boy looked at him as though he were some strange, foreign object. Ford waved his hand, and after a second the boy grasped it, and gave an awkward shake. "Pleased to meet you. I'm Ford."

"Devla." The boy stood nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "You're from the Great Circle."

"You've heard about us, huh? News sure travels fast around here."

"No one has ever come through the Great Circle before. Not since the Wraith."

"I guess we're good gossip, huh." Ford considered the teenager for a moment, then the lab around him, the security on the door and the reverential distance the scientists seemed to keep from where the boy stood. "Are you, um," he hesitated, winced as he said: "Do you come here often?"

The boy shrugged, casually. "I can go where I want, in the council halls. As long as I don't go into the city. My father says it's unsafe."

"Your father?"

"He is Antu Marikar, leader of the council." Devla puffed out his chest proudly, and Ford wondered why he hadn't seen the family resemblance earlier – the same straight, long nose, the same high cheekbones, the same large, dark eyes. "The other people you came with, they're with him now."

"Yeah," Ford agreed.

"But not you?" The boy glanced across at the scaffolding. "You stay with that one, the scientist?"

"Yes," he replied, wondering whether the term 'babysitting' would translate.

Devla stared at him for several seconds, then pulled back with a nervous energy, appearing on the other side of the bench a second later. He hopped up onto the table beside Ford, continuing to indulge in an open stare as he considered every aspect of the stranger's uniform.

One hand reached out hesitantly, pointed. "Is that a weapon?"

Ford glanced down to his gun. "Yes. To protect ourselves."

Devla nodded sagely. "Everybody needs protecting. That's why you're here, isn't it? So your scientist can help us make our own weapon. Big enough to protect the whole City." There was a note of something beneath his voice, something furtive, secretive.

"Devla," Ford began, then hesitated, wary of alienating the boy. Repeated the words: "Everybody needs protecting."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

They had returned to the room of earlier, its table now cleared of food, although the jugs of water remained. Several of the councilor members had rejoined the group, sitting beside Marikar on one side of the table, while Sheppard and Teyla took chairs opposite. The minister had previously sent instructions to his people for books and papers on Silan's history, and they now littered the table top. Sheppard had attempted small talk, feigning interest over the discussion of agriculture and construction techniques but his attention had drifted, distracted by thoughts of the weapon below his feet.

_Shouldn't have left McKay there. Ford's good, but not that good. Can't reign that man's mouth in. Rodney will say something he shouldn't and then we'll have ten kinds of hell raining on us._

He caught Teyla casting him mildly recriminatory looks as she tried to cover for his distraction, all pleasant smiles and open body language. The Athosian was better at coping with Marikar's sales pitch but both sides remained reserved, withholding information more than they offered it.

Agriculture. Construction. Trade. Medicine. Words bandied about the table, a discussion for which Elizabeth was more suited.

If O'Neill had warned him about _politics_ before he'd accepted the mission…

A lull in the conversation provided an opportunity. Sheppard cleared his throat, leaned forward with his elbows on the table. "Look, Marikar, I realize we have a lot to offer each other." He gestured at the paperwork. "That's pretty apparent. Lots of opportunities for both our peoples."

Marikar, in the midst of sorting through a file, stopped, straightened, his expression hardening. "But," he prompted, looking coldly at Sheppard.

He shrugged. "I think we should be honest. In the spirit of friendship."

"We have been shown our history," the bearded councilor put in. "You think we would deliberately conceal something?"

"I didn't say deliberately. And we appreciate everything you've told us so far."

"But," Marikar repeated, his shoulders tensed.

Sheppard hesitated, then plunged forward: "Maybe you should tell us why this weapon needs so much security around it?"

Teyla glanced at him, then back at the council. "Jawesh mentioned the city had enemies."

Stiffly: "I fail to see how that is relevant."

"Oh, I think it's relevant. You know it is, otherwise you wouldn't be so keen to hide it." Sheppard looked pointedly at the bodyguards stood in the doorway, and then back. "Look, Marikar, we're happy to ally with you against the Wraith, but we need some assurances that the weapon…" He stopped.

Marikar dipped his head slightly in affront. "You believe we would use the device on our own people?"

"I don't know what to believe. Like you keep saying, we need to get to know each other a little better." Sheppard splayed his hands on the table. "So let's share."

Marikar looked coldly at him, pursing his lips. "I do not believe this is necessary, but in the spirit of friendship, it seems I must."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"We have enemies," Devla said, swinging legs that weren't quite long enough to touch the ground. "Foolish men who don't agree with what my father and the other councilors decide."

"Really?" Ford encouraged.

"They're stupid. The council chooses the best for all Silani. The Wraith will come again, and we need to be protected."

"Makes sense," he agreed, cautiously. "But you're saying not everybody thinks the same?"

"Fools." His lip twisted up in an echo of his father. "They say that the council makes bad decisions, that because of them, people starve, and get sick. They think we should be like we were before. But it's not true. There's food, and houses for everyone. They say the Wraith won't come back, and that my father is lying so everyone stays afraid." Devla tilted his head to look up at Ford. "But I heard the guards talking. They said you've fought the Wraith. Is that true?"

Ford hesitated. "Yes," he said, cautiously. "Yes. We've fought them a couple of times."

"Will they come back?"

Another difficult question. He considered the boy in front of him, not old enough to have left high school. Shoulders set determinedly, a flicker of fear in his eyes. Settled for: "The Wraith are a threat to everyone."

Devla seemed satisfied with this, nodding to himself.

"So, um," Aiden paused, wary of crossing the line, "What do these people do?"

"They ruin things, cause trouble," Devla explained, using the phrases in an echo of his father. "It's best that they stay out of the city. They can't get past the wall, anyway. One time," he added, conversationally, "they tried to kill my father."

Ford couldn't prevent some of his shock from showing. "Really?"

"He wasn't hurt badly." Devla's eyes darkened, and his gaze flicked to the floor. "He's a very important man. The Hallan want to control Silan, but he won't let them."

"The Hallan? That's the rebels, right?"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"The Hallans live in exile outside the city," Marikar said, his tone one of reassurance. "They are not involved in Silani life or the decisions made by this council."

"And you're happy leaving things like that?"

The elderly councilor frowned in deep confusion. "What else would you suggest?"

Teyla glanced at Sheppard. "I believe the Major is concerned as to other uses of the weapon," she said, smoothly.

"Use the weapon on the Hallan?" A goateed councilor, whose hand had spent the past hour tugging on his facial hair. "There would be no need."

Marikar cut in. "Once the weapon is fixed it's presence will have proved the Hallan wrong. You have seen the Wraith. Travel through the Great Circle will confirm the Wraith's continued existence and their attacks on other worlds, that it is only a matter of time before they revisit Silan and repeat the destruction that nearly wiped out our ancestors. Our decision to rebuild the weapon will be proved to have been in the best interests of our world. The Hallan's supporters will desert them, and they will be powerless."

"And that's it?" Sheppard couldn't help but sound disbelieving. "Fix the weapon and you'll be happy?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes."

"You mentioned travel to other worlds," Teyla interjected. "You wish to know how to use the Stargate?"

"Of course. We have long known of it's purpose, but we have never been able to make it work. With your help we can." Marikar sat back in his chair, appraised Sheppard from a distance. "In the spirit of sharing, it would be only fair for you to share your knowledge."

"We've already offered to send a team of our scientists here," Sheppard pointed out.

"And their presence will be welcomed. But given the Wraith's threat against all people it would make sense that having protected our world, we would then offer this protection to others."

"In exchange for what?"

Marikar looked shocked. "For nothing more than unification in the fight against the Wraith. You suggest we would only offer the use of the weapon to gain something for ourselves?"

_Exactly what I'm suggesting._

"Look," Sheppard said, struggling to maintain his diplomatic face, leaning across the table, "Maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves. Let's just concentrate on trying to fix the weapon, alright? I've got to hear from Doctor McKay before we can go any further."

"Of course." Marikar splayed his hands across the table, smiled widely. "We must be certain your people can help us."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Will your friend fix it?" Devla asked, watching McKay and Rahul busy in the heart of the scaffolding.

"The doc's a genius," Ford replied, confidently. "He can fix anything."

There was the sound of a crash from the direction of the two scientists, and a loud curse from McKay that Ford hoped didn't translate.

Devla frowned, his shoulders hardening. "You should hope he does."

Ford glanced at the boy beside him, surprised at his fierceness, caught a glimpse of hard eyes and an upturned nose. "Devla –"

The expression vanished abruptly, Devla seeming annoyed with his error, flashing a grin at Ford. "The Wraith are a danger to all."

One of the security guards was crossing the lab floor, walking towards McKay and Rahul. Hackles up, Ford slipped from the bench and started towards the scientists, with an absent: "I'll just be a minute," to Devla. The guard had stopped to speak with Rahul, their heads low, Rahul glancing at the door anxiously. McKay stood beside a table laden with mechanical devices he'd previously been fiddling with, but now he'd frozen, watching the two Silani's conversation worriedly.

"Doc?" Ford greeted him quietly. "Know what's going on?"

"No idea," McKay admitted. "It doesn't look good, does it?"

Aiden's hand slipped to his radio, fingering the talk button hesitantly. The hand of the guard reached out to stop him.

"You must rejoin your group."

"Why?" McKay pressed. "What's going on?"

"Rumors of an attack on the city." The guard nodded at Devla. "You should come also. Your father will wish to know you are safe."

The boy rolled his eyes theatrically, but a shadow of fear undercut any adolescent posturing, and he followed the guard obediently. McKay lingered beside the weapon before reluctantly pulling himself away.

"You will return," Rahul said, offering McKay a smile. "We will discuss the buffer capacity."

"Right," McKay responded, absently, before gathering himself enough to add: "Nice to meet you."

A head bob. "And you."

"Come," the guard repeated, urgently, and with one hand he ushered his small party towards the door.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"We must go," Marikar said abruptly, pulling back from his conversation with a stony faced guard.

Sheppard pulled back his chair, Teyla doing the same. "What's happening?"

"News has reached us of a planned Hallan attack on the city. Their men have been spotted moving past the Great Circle."

"The Stargate?" Teyla queried, confused.

"It marks our border, an area controlled by neither side." Marikar was moving out through the door, pulling his robe about him, Sheppard and Teyla caught up in his wake. "They rarely cross the mountain's peak, save for small skirmishes with our troops. When they do, it is certain they plan to come to the city." He glanced back at his two visitors. "You will wait in a safer room, until this is over."

"Woah." Sheppard stopped in his tracks, staring at the councilor. "No offence, Marikar, but this is your battle, not ours, and I don't intend to leave my people in the firing line."

"Then you should come quickly," Marikar responded, tersely. "The attacks do not last long, and they have never breached the city walls. You can wait, and rest, and we will resume our talks once this is over."

Sheppard opened his mouth to protest, but the presence of three armed guards and the promise of more between him and the exit stopped his words. He glanced at Teyla, who inclined her head slightly in a nod.

"Come," Marikar repeated harshly, and turned, continuing his pace down the corridor.

His hand slipping back to his weapon, Sheppard gave a soft, bitter sigh, and then followed.


	10. Shut up, McKay

Author's Notes: Sorry for the long period between updates. Work is rather hectic at the minute, everyone's off sick and the survivors arepickingup the slack.I blame the snow. Thanks for the reviews! Heh, they're not very dissimilar from the Genii.I know,but it's okay.It's Stargate's fault. I feel like Trey Parker and Matt Stone: "Can't do that. Simpsons did it." There are just no new ideas anymore...

**If I Die**

Chapter Ten - Shut Up, McKay

Teyla crouched in the shadow of a leafy shrub, taking care not to crush any branches beneath her feet.

The men before her were not so careful.

The Stargate lay before her, thirty meters or more up the mountain ahead. It might as well have been a thousand. Two dozen men stood between her and the 'gate, dressed in the uniform of the Silani guard, and carrying the same ugly guns. They stood stiffly, eyes scanning the surrounding forest for any movement, and when Teyla turned away she did so slowly, careful not to reveal her position.

Fortunately she had been a hunter much longer than the men she now hid from.

The three men were waiting in a shallow cave, carved by a stream which ran past their feet. She caught Ford's eyes first, glimpsed him as he lurked in the darkness keeping watch, his hands and knees muddied from the earth on which he rested. McKay lay bound to the stretcher, Sheppard crouched beside him, one hand on his friend's shoulder.

His eyes met hers, asking silently, and she responded with a shake of her head. Saw his shoulders slump a fraction.

McKay had seen their movements despite their every effort at subterfuge. "I take it we're going to be here a while?"

"Not long until Elizabeth calls in," Sheppard said, quietly.

Weakly: "Just waiting for the cavalry."

Sheppard patted him. "I realize it's rare for me to say this, but Rodney, the best thing you can do is lie still and shut up."

"Hmpf," came back the response, thought the scientist's eyes had closed, "very rare." His features slackened, breath evening out, shallow and slow.

Teyla saw the empty needle Sheppard now discarded, and the single hypodermic left.

"We can't stay here," the Major said, packing away the kit. "We need somewhere dry, ideally with a roof."

"I believe I saw a structure close to the crest of the mountain," she offered. A circuitous route to the 'gate had led her up to the peak at some distance from the Stargate, and she had then followed the rocky outcrop before dropping back down to spy on Jawesh's men. Emerging on the top, she had spied a building through the trees, a glimpse of a roof and grey stone ignored by either side, submerged in greenery.

It was to this she now led them, Sheppard and Aiden bearing the stretcher and an unconscious McKay. The group moved slowly, traversing a short distance and then stopping whilst she scouted ahead, looking for any sign of Silani or Hallan activity. Fortunately the border land, only recently broken, was mostly untouched, and the only obstacle in their path was the deep undergrowth.

The building was set into the mountainside and partially crumbled. Green tiles came out from the rock and sloped downwards, supported by bricks overgrown with moss. A thin, rectangular hole ran the length of the front wall, overlooking the valley. Teyla wondered whether it had once been a look out point, used by the Silani centuries ago – it looked almost as old as the council halls – though it had since been abandoned, lost in the area of contested neutrality between the two sides.

A no-man's land, Major Sheppard had said. Another new human term.

The only entrance was a locked wooden door, but a quick push and both the rusty lock and rotten wood crumbled. She entered first. Her torch illuminated a ceiling covered in small, glittering stone tiles, and a floor patterned by larger squares of the same material. A wooden bench ran across the front wall beneath the window, though she would not have trusted her weight to it. In the centre of the room stood a number of short, wide pedestals, waist high, with wide, flat tops. Everything was covered in a layer of dirt and dust, the front of the room splashed with mud, but she could see a metallic glint beneath.

Kicking some of the rubble away, Major Sheppard cleared a small space big enough to place the stretcher. McKay didn't stir, lay in a repose that might have been described as peaceful had his face not been pinched in pain. Ford dropped his pack and leaned it against the stone wall.

Crossing to one of the pedestals, Teyla reached out to clear away some of the moss from its surface. To her shock, upon contact the pedestal released a short burst of light illuminating the entire room, before fading to a dull glow.

"What the hell?" Sheppard breathed, stood over her shoulder.

Carefully clearing its surface of more moss, Teyla saw a flat panel of blinking lights and diagrams, not too dissimilar to those used in Atlantis, albeit cruder. She ran a hand across the screen and the image changed, displayed the picture of a planet rotating slowly.

"Silan?" Sheppard asked.

"I assume."

"Does it make any sense to you?"

She shook her head, tried pressing the screen experimentally. The machine bleeped at her, but there was no change to the image. Tried again, then hit one of the buttons on the side of the panel. Another bleep.

"Must be locked," Sheppard explained, "maybe with a password or a DNA sequence like the ones on Atlantis."

"Could Doctor McKay unlock it?" she asked. Regretted her words when she saw Sheppard's face fall.

"Probably," he admitted. "So let's not tell him about it. You know what he's like."

She nodded, smiled slightly, trying to reassure him. "Not even a bullet wound could prevent him from a new discovery."

Ford was stood in the doorway, keeping watch. "Anything interesting?"

"Nothing of high priority." Sheppard turned away from the console and looked through the window to the darkening night sky. "Six hours until Weir calls in. We should all get some rest."

Ford winced. "It was really only yesterday we were still in Atlantis?" Volunteered: "I'll take first watch."

Sheppard nodded at him appreciatively, then grimaced, pushing one hand across the back of his neck and massaging the skin deeply. "I'll take second. Teyla?"

She nodded, was already making herself comfortable in the far corner, using her pack as a pillow. Closed her eyes on an image of Ford's silhouette in the doorway, and Major Sheppard crouched beside McKay, whispering into his friend's ear.


	11. Barbie Dream House

**If I Die**

Chapter Eleven - Barbie Dream House

Sheppard was pacing the small room impatiently. Reached one wall, turned, then crossed to the other in a few strides. Hit the second wall and turned again to repeat the performance.

Step. Step. Step. Turn. Step. Step. Step. Turn.

Teyla was feeling tired just watching him. She sat on a bench along the third wall, her back straight, her pack on the seat beside her. Wished Sheppard would at least stop still for a second, even if he wouldn't sit down.

There was a sudden clattering at the door, and it opened, allowed Ford and McKay to be hustled inside.

"Hey," Sheppard shouted after the departing guards, "at least tell us if we're prisoners!"

His only answer came in the form of another clatter as the door was locked. He slumped, dropped onto the bench beside Teyla. Her relief evaporated when he glared irritably at McKay with a: "What did you do?"

The scientist huffed indignantly. "What makes you think it was me?"

"History. Law of probability."

McKay rolled his eyes theatrically. "Well it wasn't," he snapped back. "As far as I was aware everything was going perfectly well. Ruhal seems like an adequate scientist. What about _you_?" he asked, "what did _you_ do?"

"We learnt why the Silani have so much security," Teyla said, anxious to avoid further bickering. "The Hallan."

"We've heard of them," Aiden said glumly.

"Marikar said they were coming to the city."

The younger man's forehead crinkled. "I don't get why they'd lock us up, though. That wall's pretty thick. And Devla said the Hallan had never come into the city."

"I think they're feeling over-protective of something," Sheppard's gaze drifted to McKay, "or someone." Flicked back to Ford. "Devla?"

"Marikar's son. He was hovering around the lab. Poor kid, think he was bored."

Sheppard shook his head bitterly. "We should have held on to that wiggy feeling, Lieutenant." Lifted his head to look at McKay. "How long will it take you to fix that thing? A day? A week?"

The doctor seemed to be struggling to reconcile some inner turmoil within himself. Eventually admitted, with great reluctance: "I'm not sure I _can_ fix it."

Teyla looked up at him in shock, shared by Ford and Sheppard - not just at the statement, but at McKay's admission.

Aiden frowned. "But back on the lab, it looked like you knew what you were doing. You never said anything –"

He was interrupted. "Well of course not," McKay snapped. "I'm hardly likely to. And I _knew_ what I was doing."

"So?" Sheppard prompted him. "Let me guess, the Silani's ancestors weren't as all-powerful as Marikar believes?"

"Not quite." McKay started rifling through his pack and pulled out a power bar, tearing the wrapper open. "Oh, they had some good ideas, and I'm sure they made some great innovations but the mess down there won't reveal any of it." He took a bite, spoke around a mouthful to elucidate: "I'd be surprised if half that stuff was intended for the use the Silani think it should have."

"But it's more advanced that what we've seen so far?" Sheppard asked, cautiously.

"Oh, no question. I'm sure that at one point all the buildings looked like this and it was powered by generators like the one downstairs. But the rest? They're just fragments; unlabelled, badly organized fragments at that." He took another bite.

"Then it's just a matter of putting them together?" Ford pressed, openly frustrated. "If you had more time…"

McKay waved a hand violently, sprinkling crumbs. "Look," he said, less than patiently. "Imagine an eight year old has taken apart a nuclear reactor, and used the pieces to build a Barbie dream house. Then imagine you don't even know what the original pieces belong to, AND you don't know which pieces are old, and which pieces are Barbie's."

Sheppard raised his hands in defense. "Okay, okay, I get it." Paused, then added, because it was impossible for him to resist: "Barbies?"

"I have a sister," McKay snapped.

Sheppard grinned, and Teyla was quite sure that the scientist would regret his analogy more than once over the next week. Although she had no idea what a Barbie was.

"So that's it?" Ford asked. "It doesn't work?"

"It might. Possibly," McKay admitted, grudgingly. "But it would take months, years even, a lifetime for one person."

Teyla glanced at the locked door, heard Sheppard mutter: "I'm sure Marikar would be willing to arrange that."

"I don't even know if the weapon was ever going to work," McKay continued. He screwed up the now empty wrapper and stuffed it into his jacket. "Some of what they've got down there, maybe. The generator has potential. They seem to be close to finishing a couple of projects. But we're talking about a weapon big enough to protect this whole city against the Wraith, maybe even the planet. There's nothing that suggests the Silani were ever that advanced."

"Give me a date," Sheppard said.

"Nineteen forties or fifties."

"So they've been lying to us?" Ford asked, confused.

Teyla shook her head. "Not on such a scale. Marikar may have concealed things from us but I believe he speaks for his people when he tells of us his hope for this weapon."

Sheppard's shoulders slumped. "It's an easy option," he said, wearily. "Your entire civilization is almost wiped out by a Wraith culling and you know it's only by chance that you've survived this long without another."

"The weapon offers hope," Teyla said, thinking of her own people, of people she had lost to the Wraith.

"And control," Ford added.

"You have a point," McKay agreed. "The council are ploughing a lot of resources into that lab."

"No wonder the Hallan are pissed."

As if on cue, there was a rumble from a distant explosion, the room shaking gently. Sheppard glanced at McKay, then back to the door, rising from his seat and grabbing his pack. "That's it. We're not staying here. I should have known this was a bad idea from the start."

"We're leaving?" McKay asked, confused.

"Yup. I don't trust Marikar, or his council. We're not waiting here as their prisoners, or their guests." Looked at the door. "Lieutenant, would you do the honours?"

Ford grinned, squaring his shoulders. "My pleasure."


	12. Rabbits

Author's Notes: Woah, short chapter. Thanks for the reviews!

**If I Die**

Chapter Twelve - Rabbits

Night had fallen, filling the room with shadows. Dim light from two moons filtered through the trees and into the open window, cast shapes on the ground, graced the three sleeping figures and the one propped up against a wall.

Ford sat companiably beside McKay, weapon lying across one knee, unopened MRE on the other. He was enjoying the silence, listening to the distant noise of the forest outside, watched the trees through the doorway as he fumbled at the MRE's packaging.

"Lieutenant."

He looked down. McKay's eyes were open, although he seemed to be focused on a point several inches to the right. The scientist addressed the air, his voice a rasp.

"I need you to do something."

"Sure." He dropped the MRE into his lap and moved a little closer to the scientist, into his frame of vision. "What?"

"You, ah," a tongue licked dry lips, "Do you have a pen?"

"Oh." He pulled back instantly, calm shattered, shaking his head. "No. No way."

"Lieutenant –"

"I know what you're going to say."

A hint of desperation: "Aiden –"

Ford clenched his jaw. "You heard the Major. We're all getting out of here and back to Atlantis. Just a little longer."

"Huh." McKay gave a short, gurgled laugh. "Excuse me if I'm less than convinced. Sheppard can't pull a rabbit out of this hat." Caught Aiden's gaze. "Please."

Another shake of his head. "Hey, I remember from last time. Back on Atlantis, with that nanovirus? It wasn't needed then and it isn't now." Paused. Added, softly: "And I haven't forgotten either. Saving kids, theory of unification…"

McKay's eyes widened a little, evidently surprised at the younger man's memory. Prompted: "And…"

"And your sister." He touched the scientist's shoulder briefly, then pulled back. "I remember. Everyone's got someone back on Earth, right?"

McKay turned his head slightly, breaking the moment to stare at the wall. "I suppose." His expression was more open that Ford had ever seen it, eyes dark and shadowed with regret.

Ford looked away, not wanting McKay to know he'd been caught looking so vulnerable. Studied the MRE packet, passing it from hand to hand and reading its contents as though they held the knowledge of the universe.

"There was someone else."

He decided it was better not to look up. Waited for McKay to continue. Listened to the scientist breathe in shallow, irregular rasps.

"Doc?"

Silence. He turned his head to see that McKay was unconscious, his eyes closed, one hand curled protectively over his chest. Gently, Aiden reached across to tug Major's Sheppard's jacket up to the scientist's chin, careful not to disturb him.

Something broke the stillness, the sound of a snap, and a rustle of leaves. Ford turned in time to see a bottle of something aflame fly through the open window. He yelled an alarm, flung himself protectively over the scientist just as the bottle hit the floor and smashed, sending shards of burning material across the room. He felt them hit his jacket, rolled quickly onto his back to snuff them out.

Across the room and alerted by the cry, Sheppard rolled in time to cover his face with his hands, scraps of burning cloth setting his sleeves to smolder. He patted them out quickly, then sat up, his weapon pointed towards the door. Beside him Teyla, her back turned to the door and partially shielded by Sheppard, had managed to avoid most of the onslaught and she was now on her feet, gun in hand.

None of this was in time to stop several men from entering the room, heavily armed, their faces daubed with mud and the clothes similar to those worn by Jawesh. Over the smoke, the two groups stared at each other, weapons held absolutely still, Sheppard even ignoring the still smoldering patch of cloth on his jacket's shoulder.

"Drop your weapons," one of the men demanded, a tall, lithe figure in a dark green shirt and trousers.

"I don't see any reason for doing that," Sheppard said, calmly.

"This building is surrounded," a second Silani said, shorter than his companion, skinny but tightly muscled. "You cannot escape this place."

"I might be willing to test that theory," Sheppard returned, evenly.

The first glanced at McKay, then back at the Major pointedly. "And would you leave your friend, or do you believe there is time for you to carry him?"

Sheppard's grip on his gun visibly tightened, knuckles whitening.

The Silani gave a small sigh. "We do not wish you to harm you, Major Sheppard. You are worth more to us alive."

With great reluctance Sheppard lowered his weapon, Aiden and Teyla copying a second later. The Silani smiled, and with a slight gesture instructed his men to stand down.

"Thank you Major. You will see that things are easier without guns."

"Come to drag us back to the city?" Ford asked, unable to keep quiet any longer.

Their captor blinked in apparently genuine surprise. "It seems you are confused, Lieutenant. We are not with Marikar and his council. We are the Hallan."


	13. The Beginning

**If I Die**

Chapter Thirteen - The Beginning

Breaking out of the flimsy cell had been easy, compared to other escapes. Ford had neatly shouldered the door open and the team had spilled out onto the empty corridor. Sheppard guessed the Silani were too busy handling the potential Hallan invasion to worry about their guests.

It made Sheppard wonder whether Marikar hadn't been telling the truth, that it really was for their own protection. Then he remembered the locked door, an dismissed the idea.

They were now on the ground floor, making their way through a corridor towards the entrance. Occasionally the sound of feet would cause them to hide in a side room, and wait while a robed figure of a guard ran past. Sheppard wasn't quite sure what would happen if they were discovered. He didn't want to harm any Silani, particularly since they hadn't made any outwardly aggressive action, but he wanted his team out of there. The gnawing feeling in his gut was getting worse, and as he crouched in an alcove waiting for another figure to fly past, he fidgeted, fingering the safety on his P90.

"There's too many," he whispered, feeling his knees creak.

Teyla was crouched beside him, her head tilted a fraction as she listened to sounds from the corridor. "There are more men, further along this corridor. I believe they guard the entrance."

"Then we need another way out."

"Back door?" Ford suggested. "I bet they've got some kitchens."

Sheppard nodded. "Good idea."

"Hang on," McKay interrupted. "Are we sure this is necessary? We –"

"They've lied to us, and tried to hold us prisoner," he snapped back, ignoring the nagging question at the back of his own mind. "If this turns out to have been a misunderstanding then we'll sort it out later, back at Atlantis, through the safety of the Stargate."

McKay seemed to be working himself up into a protest, so Sheppard purposefully rose, pressing out into the corridor. He knew Rodney was eager to get back to the lab beneath their feet, and had all Silani been represented by Rahul, the scientist might have had his wish granted. But not now. If it turned out to be a mistake, so be it – he could deal with Elizabeth's lecture, if he knew his team were safe.

Like all large, public buildings, the kitchens were hidden at the back and the smell – of cheap, mass-produced food – made his nose wrinkle. In their first few weeks the Atlantean kitchens had smelt similar, until the arrival of the first fresh crops from the mainland. It was easy to find, following the corridor with the front door at his back, watching the décor become increasingly basic and threadbare until the first tendrils of overcooked vegetables reached his nose. He was grateful for Ford's idea, for here the number of Silani were fewer, prompting less moments wasted spent hiding in alcoves.

He was starting to worry that this was a little _too_ easy – when they rounded the corner and found themselves in the kitchen.

The room was more an outhouse, a clumsily bricked afterthought to the stately council halls. A thatched roof sloped from the inner wall to the outer, covered a series of tables and stone fireplaces, a number of cupboards and what seemed to be a large sink with no taps. Opposite to the corridor entrance lay the outside door, flanked by four armed guards.

Pulling back, Sheppard dropped to his knees against the corridor wall, his team following his example. He crouched in silence for a moment, listening to the guards, and plotting tactics.

Two quick hand gestures at Ford sent the young lieutenant running down the left side of the kitchen, almost bent double as he ducked behind the tables. Teyla followed him, her knife drawn though Sheppard knew the Athosian would only use it if her hand were forced.

McKay was bright enough to know when to follow orders, and Sheppard was glad to see the scientist obey his quick hand snaps without pause. Together they crept along the right side of the kitchen, guns drawn, Sheppard taking the lead. They drew close to the guards without being spotted, and dimly, through the darkness, Ford and Teyla crouched awaiting their next move.

Very slowly Sheppard reached out and grasped the first object his hand came into contact with, which on closer inspection turned out to be a hard, potato-like vegetable. Leaning out into the central aisle, he pulled his arm back and sent the object flying through the air to land with precision into a shelf full of clay pottery.

The resulting noise prompted the four guards to turn towards the kitchen; at the same moment, Ford and Sheppard rose from the shadows to club the first two men across the back of their heads with the butts of two P90s. As they dropped, their companions rose their weapons. The one on the left had his knocked from his hands by Teyla, who then drop-kicked the man into oblivion, whilst McKay, less ready with his gun, grabbed a nearby metal pan and brought it crashing it across the fourth man's head. The Silani crumpled instantly, joining his friends in an ungainly heap on the floor.

Sheppard stood over them, nudging his cautiously with a foot to check for signs of consciousness. Finding none, he flashed a quick grin to his team before ducking outside.

The back gardens of the council halls were empty and untended, a patch of cropped scrubland sloping down to the road. Both it and the street below were empty and dark, lit only by moonlight. Listening to make sure no alarm had been raised, Sheppard led the way down the slope to the road, hesitating for a second before heading into the shadows offered by a street of simple houses.

He heard one of his team fall into a trot beside him. "Forgive me for questioning your spidey sense," Rodney huffed, "but isn't this the wrong direction?"

"Would you rather we'd sauntered around the council halls?" Sheppard asked, pointedly.

"We'll cut down the back streets," Ford explained in a whisper. "Less chance of being seen."

Teyla was looking up and down the street at the empty spaces, the deserted stalls, the houses shuttering their light. "It seems the rumor of an attack has all Silani scared."

"Well they're terrorists," McKay said, glancing nervously at the shadows. "I don't blame them."

"The kitchen wasn't well guarded." Ford looked back to the council halls, frowning. "And Devla said the Hallan had never breached the city walls. I don't see any reason for him to lie."

"He wouldn't have to. Marikar might."

Teyla looked up at Sheppard. "Fear."

"Four guards on a door and thirty at the front? Seems like a show of bravado." He shrugged. "People will agree to anything if they think a gun is held to their heads."

Leaving the council halls behind them, the four followed a side road to the right, running down to another crossroads and a second right in a wide circle around the city centre. Moving without sound, their journey was undisturbed and unwatched, only the distant flicker of light behind grilled windows suggesting Silan wasn't a ghost town. Sheppard went first, leading the way. Teyla kept up behind him, McKay beside her, and Ford stopped at the rear, watching their backs.

There had been a lot that Colonel O'Neill had neglected to mention in his description of the SGC and Stargate travel. The frequency of night time expeditions across enemy territory had not been one of them, but his advice on dealing with civilians had been adopted as SGC law. Keep them in the middle of the team, don't let them wander off and watch what they say because no matter what you do, and no matter what the circumstances, they'll never shut up.

"Are you sure we're going in the right direction?" McKay whispered.

Sheppard struggled to resist the urge to throttle him. "Yes," he shot back then, turning the corner, gesturing ahead. "Happy now?"

The city gate rose before them, casting a shadow across the street. A quick head count revealed a dozen guards milling about the doorway, and the possibility of more waiting in the courtyard beyond.

McKay again. "Now what?"

Sheppard paused, and considered the scene. He squinted into the darkness and saw what appeared to be the abandoned remains of a market clustered to the right of the gate. Awkward, wooden trestles held crates and cloths untouched, protected only by a wickerwork of thatching that served as a roof. "We need a distraction."

He heard a soft rattle, and looked down to see Ford's hand waving a matchbox at him.

"Already ahead of you, sir." Ducking down into the shadows, Aiden crept towards the market stalls, blending easily into his surroundings. In matters of leadership, and in the handling of geeks, the young lieutenant had a lot to learn, but Sheppard couldn't help but feel a slight swell of pride at the man's grasp of military techniques.

His team was well chosen.

The guards seemed equally oblivious to Ford's presence, as not one glanced towards the market and its tables. Not until Aiden's lit match graced the roof of one of the tables. The wicker went up like quick silver, dry straw igniting instantly and the resulting sparks setting alight every table in close proximity. Within seconds the entire market was ablaze, the blossom of orange light floodlighting the city wall.

As the guards yelled and panicked, Sheppard was leading Teyla and McKay across to the left of the gate. By the time they reached the door one third of the contingent had organized themselves enough to be running for water, whilst another third ran to the blaze shouting orders over each other, pointing and gesturing angrily at the fire.

And the last few guards…

The alarm went up just as Ford crossed the threshold of the doorway into the outer courtyard.

"Move it!" Sheppard screamed, over the pounding of blood in his ears. He cast quick looks either side of him: Aiden, running to his right, youthful legs crossing ground without effort; Teyla to his left, graceful, both hunter and tough prey, avoiding her captors. At the back, McKay keeping up, the oldest of the three, but not so slow as his lifestyle – and eating habits – might have suggested.

Adrenaline had a lot to answer for.

The huge, stone archway lay ahead of them, its mouth offering a glimpse of the woods beyond. A place to lose themselves in, to weave back to the Stargate and then home, to Atlantis.

Away from this nuthouse, Sheppard thought. The sound of thunderous boots a way off, and alarmed shouts, drove extra speed to his legs.

And a shot rang through the courtyard.


	14. Drifting

**If I Die**

Chapter Fourteen - Drifting

_There was someone else_.

McKay lay in semi-darkness, drifting in and out of consciousness, hands twitching against the blood that slicked his fingers.

There had been voices, earlier, but a gray cloud had drowned them out and now he floated, ignoring the pain in his side or the hitch in his chest.

Couldn't see, couldn't hear. Just… drifted.

_There was someone else._

Tom Wellsby. His roommate in college. A nice guy, generous with his cash, but only half as bright as the rest of his course and under immense pressure from his parents to succeed. That pressure turned to resentment and when the two men had chosen similar PhD topics accusations of plagiarism were flung recklessly, shattering the friendship.

At the time he'd been surprised. It was the first, the first man he'd considered to be a friend. At college, where intelligence was something to be respected and admired. Not shunned in the hierarchy of high school. But he'd been wrong.

He was rarely wrong, but it seemed to McKay that when he was, he was always very badly wrong about something important.

And he'd been wrong about Tom Wellsby, and everything Tom represented. His peers would resent him and outsiders would dismiss him.

A professor had once told him, "McKay, the human brain is simply not suited to hold so many ideas at one time. Genius is border to insanity, and insanity drives the sane away." And then given a theatrical sigh, and lit another in a long chain of cigarettes.

He'd written it on a scrap of paper, and tucked it into the back of a notebook, and kept it long after the other pages had been torn out or scrawled across in favor of new ideas.

This was a theory he'd stuck to. A mantra, a life motto. He had planned to have it as his epitaph, before Atlantis.

_Here lies Doctor Rodney McKay. He drove the sane away._

Then there had been Sheppard, and Ford and Teyla and Elizabeth and Zelenka and Grodin and the rest. And he was beginning to wonder whether his motto was wrong, and whether he could risk replacing it with something better. Something more life-affirming.

He'd driven her away.

It had been a science course, some conference avoided by all but those professors whose funding depended on it, and the rest sent their doctoral students in a gesture of goodwill. He'd gone with a group, then been left in the hotel bar alone after they'd been drawn to the glamour of alternative night spots.

"Hey. You."

And a finger had poked him in the chest.

She'd been drunk, although she would deny it later. Wormed her way into his bedroom despite hiccups and repetitive prods.

"How drunk are you?"

"Drunk enough to want to do this. Not so drunk as to mean you'd be taking advantage."

She'd been dumped, nano-magnetics for theoretical particle cosmology. Invited herself up to his hotel room and fallen asleep, fully clothed, on the bed.

He remembered… waking with a scream, and taking a moment to realize it wasn't coming from him.

"What happened to my room?"

"What?" through a mouthful of sleep.

"The window should be on the other side! And the tv doesn't go there! And those aren't my trousers!"

Embarrassment had escalated when she'd found herself without a key, and he'd only asked her to get breakfast coffee because they had both missed the first lecture.

Sheppard would mock him for it, had he known. Even when it was offered to him on an attachment-free plate, Rodney McKay had failed to get any. But for a while, he got something more.

Not the only woman he'd ever said those three words to, but the only time he'd meant it.


	15. Deciphering Toasters

**If I Die**

Chapter Fifteen - Deciphering Toasters

The small, tumble-down building was becoming increasingly crowded.

Sheppard and his teammates sat beside McKay, unarmed, their weapons with the leading Hallan. He'd identified himself as Amin, was of a similar age to Sheppard, his skin taut and long black hair swept back into an unruly ponytail. Having handed his weapon to one of his men, Amin now squatted opposite his prisoners, armed only with a knife tucked into his belt. From the scratches and dulled metal it seemed to be for more practical uses than killing, but Sheppard remained wary of its presence, and of the armed men who surrounded the building.

Amin's first comments were not what Sheppard expected. "I believe we have a friend of yours."

He blinked, confused, considering numerous possibilities and dismissing them all. Sensing his confusion, Amin gestured at one of the guards, who turned and left through the door, returning a second later dragging a kicking, bucking figure, head covered in a cloth sack. With care, the guard removed the binding and revealed a young face and wide eyes.

"Devla," Ford said, shocked.

The boy was shaking, unable to raise his gaze to meet Ford's eyes.

"He was hiding in the kitchens when you chose to make your escape," Amin explained. "He followed you some way, then lost you in the forest, which is where my men found him." He glanced at Devla. "We have not hurt him, Major. He may be the son of Antu Marikar but he is a child, and a Silani."

He nodded at the guard, who took the terrified Devla and sat him down against the wall. Devla said nothing, burying his face in his bound hands.

"Your Doctor McKay, he still lives?"

Sheppard returned Amin's stare with a carefully controlled expression. "Yes. No thanks to you, I imagine."

He heard Ford shift beside him, and the mutter of a curse under the Lieutenant's breath.

Amin tilted his head slightly. "It is true. It was one of my men who fired the shot. He was told to kill the doctor where he stood."

Teyla was now bristling, albeit without a word, crouched next to McKay holding the scientist's hand and studying their captors with keen eyes.

"If you touch him," Sheppard warned, and was then cut off.

"I do not think that is necessary." Amin turned his gaze to the unconscious man, offered with apparent remorse: "Unless you wish me to end his suffering -"

"No." Teyla was fierce, her free hand twitching at the spot at which her knife used to hang.

Amin waved a hand. "If that is your choice. It would not be mine, but my men will abide by it."

"And what about us?" Sheppard demanded, angrily. "Are we your hostages? Going to sell us back to Marikar?"

A shake of his head. "Major Sheppard, please understand, we Hallan have no argument with your people."

"You shot our friend," Ford shot back, hotly.

"Because he represents another of the council's follies. Once he is dead, we will allow you to return to the 'gate."

Sheppard felt his jaw drop open a fraction. "You're going to wait here and watch McKay die?"

Amin lowered his head in a slight bow. "Not quite." He glanced at the pedestals behind him. "You have seen these?"

"We've seen them. Not paid them much attention," Sheppard retorted, wondering where this conversation was headed.

"Several years ago, whilst on the run from city troops, two Hallan spent the night here. They saw the columns, saw that they were still powered, but they could not get the machines to respond. Then troops arrived, and they were forced to flee, and until now the Hallan have not been back to this place. But we have remembered, and remained hopeful."

His head lifted, and he looked straight at Sheppard, dark eyes full of passionate emotion. "You have seen the city, Major. You have walked its streets, and seen the life my people lead. They struggle for each mouthful, die from untreated diseases, parents burying their children in graves beneath their homes. That is the life Marikar and the council have chosen for the Silani. No one resists, because they believe the weapon is all that stands between them and oblivion. They suffer whilst every coin is put towards making that machine work. And whilst they wait for the Wraith, the Hallan serve as a surrogate enemy."

"Controlling your people through fear," Teyla said, softly.

"But you have attacked the city," Sheppard objected, unable to stay quiet. "You're terrorists."

Amin flinched, lowering his head. "Yes. We have attacked the city walls, we disrupt the council's mining operations, and we have killed the council guards. But through necessity alone. My people are scared. They will not rise up without an army to lead them, and the Hallan have been exiled for too long to influence their lives."

"You knew about us."

"We have spies. Some who work in Marikar's halls, sympathizers on the streets who are able to pass information to us." He looked across at Sheppard. "Yes, we knew of you. We knew of your Doctor McKay, and his skill as a scientist."

"So you tried to kill him." A cold, harsh tone. "To shut him up."

"You must understand Major, we feared what Marikar would do once he had confirmation of his beliefs. Had you publicly confirmed the council's lies, all of our support amongst our people would be lost. Our cause would be over."

"The Wraith are real," Ford said, fiercely.

Amin turned his gaze to the younger man, barely blinking. "So I believe. But the weapon is not."

"That's not true."

Devla, listening to the conversation, lifted his head to glare at Amin. "I've seen it," he shot back. "It's real, and our scientists grow closer to finishing it and protecting our planet."

Amin sighed. "If you have seen the weapon, then you know that to be false. We have scientists of our own, Devla, those who have defected from the city. But I imagine your father has not told you of their existence."

"Well you screwed up," Sheppard said. "McKay is your only chance for deciding one way or the other whether that damn thing works and you blew it!"

"Not necessarily." And unfolding his legs, Amin rose, gesturing at McKay. "He will find a way to access these machines, and he will show us."

Sheppard rose too, ignoring the shifting of weapons belonging to the guards around him. "No."

"Get him up," Amin said, simply.

"No." He took a step forward, saw from the corner of his eye Ford and Teyla move to surround McKay. "You know he's injured. Dammit, your people tried to kill him! If you think –"

"Major Sheppard –"

"He cannot help you," Teyla spoke up, her voice tight. "He is hurt, unconscious –"

"Then you will wake him."

"No –"

"Major," Amin said, smoothly. "If you do not get McKay to his feet, then my men will." And a clatter of weapons punctuated his threat.

Sheppard stared at Amin for a moment, then turned, his shoulders knotting. "Lieutenant."

Ford shot a dark look at Amin, then bent over McKay, undoing the stretcher bindings carefully. Sheppard knelt beside them and reached out to tap Rodney's face sharply, hating himself.

"Rodney. Hey, McKay."

He received a mumble and a twitch in response. Tapped him again, harder, insistent. "McKay. Wake up."

Two blue eyes opened slowly, bleary and dilated. "M' sleeping."

He winced. "I know. But your brains are needed, McKay."

"Get him up," Amin repeated, stood over Sheppard's shoulder.

Rodney's gaze turned slowly to the Hallan leader, blinking in confusion. "Who are you?"

"My name is Amin, Doctor McKay. I am with the Hallan."

"Oh." He looked slightly dazed, frowning. "You shot me?"

"One of my men." Hallan ducked his head. "We knew you were helping Marikar's council, Doctor. We could not allow that. But now _I_ wish you to look at a machine."

"Huh. Everyone always wants me to look at something."

"Well you're the biggest genius in the galaxy, what do you expect?" Sheppard glanced at Amin, then back at his friend. Said, softly, "You okay to get up?"

"Peachy." McKay shifted as if to sit up, Ford and Sheppard moving quickly to take his weight, an arm slipping under each shoulder. Awkwardly they rose, Rodney stifling a cry as his wound tugged beneath its bandages. Teyla stood beside them, one hand pressed lightly to McKay's chest, guiding the three as they took several shambling steps towards the nearest console. Amin followed them, the group coming to stand around a pedestal.

"Hey. A computer!" McKay blinked, turned his head to accuse Sheppard: "You didn't tell me there was a computer."

"Skipped my mind," he excused.

"It is a relic of my ancestors," Amin said, solemnly. "But it will not obey our commands."

"Huh." McKay stretched one hand out to its surface. Just as it had with Teyla, the console emitted a brief burst of brilliant light before fading to a lulling glow. The image of the rotating globe had returned and, just as it had with Teyla, it bleeped stubbornly when McKay tried to use any of the control dials.

"Could be a password," Sheppard suggested helpfully.

McKay rolled his eyes. "Now why didn't I think of that." He was absorbed in the picture, wound temporarily forgotten, curiosity smoothing the deeper creases in his face. Several more pushes at the console dials yielded no result, and after a moment he drew his hand back, gesturing at a spot on the pedestal just beneath its mushroom-shaped top. "I need to get into that."

"Gonna do a bit of hotwiring?" Sheppard grinned.

"Something like that."

Slowly, Ford and Sheppard lowered McKay so he was half-kneeling. The scientist grimaced, took a moment to control himself before opening his eyes and reaching out to the pedestal. The surface was made up of a series of metal panels and it was one of these that McKay now removed, levering away easily with his fingers. Amin, seeing what they were doing, took an alarmed step forward.

"Major Sheppard –"

"Relax, he's not going to break it." Sheppard nudged the scientist very gently with his shoulder. "Are you, McKay?"

"Hmm?" Rodney was busy picking apart the wires within the column, following their path with his fingers. "No. Don't be stupid, I know what I'm doing." As he spoke, he tugged on a green wire and prompted a shower of golden sparks.

Sheppard was overly aware of the guns drawn around them, and his own P90 tucked out of sight behind a guard. "Rodney…"

"That should do it." Another grimace. "Get me up."

As ordered, Ford and Sheppard pulled McKay to his feet. His right hand stretched out to the console a second time, but now upon his touch the globe changed, disappeared, replaced by an image of something resembling a flow chart.

"What is it?"

McKay frowned, fingers operating the small controls to bring up screen after screen of images. "Not sure. Some sort of OS, pretty basic. It's a library of something."

"A library of what?" Amin pressed.

"Knowledge. There's all sorts in here. Instructions for building those jeep thingies you use to get around in. Some diagrams."

"What else?" One of the guards, stepping forward impatiently.

"Give me a chance," McKay snapped at him, irritably. The hand stretched out to the controls started to tremble with effort.

With his free hand, Ford reached out to gently push the scientist's own back down to his side. "I've got it," he said, softly, touching the controls. "Just tell me what to press."

McKay hesitated, then nodded, leaning closer to the screen. "The picture on the right. Below that. There." He directed Ford's hand to search the computer's documents, bringing up image after image on the console screen as his eyes grew wider and wider.

Across from them, Amin shifted impatiently and even Devla was now on his feet, stood behind the guards who clustered nervously around McKay.

Sheppard looked away from the images and down to McKay's wound, watching bright red blood seep across the darker stains. He flinched, lifted his head and grunted: "Well? You're kind of heavy, McKay."

"Another minute." The scientist's body was shaking with effort, his face drained of all color, his hands clenched into tight fists.

"This is causing him further harm," Teyla said, looking up at Amin pleadingly.

The Hallan shook his head. "The doctor asked for another minute."

"There." McKay sounded triumphant. "Notes on the weapon."

Devla started, face breaking out into eager surprise. "It can tell you how to fix it? How to make it as powerful as it once was?"

"I don't know." Another quick nod and Ford's hands danced across the controls. "It looks like this place was a testing centre. They'd fire the weapon from the valley floor and then watch from up here, and record the results."

"Then the weapon did work?" Amin asked, leaning closer.

"No – I – I'm not sure. Wait…" McKay frowned, his breathing hitching. "Notes on the launch. Diagrams of the weapon. The power this thing must have used, I don't know where – but then, look at the shielding – similar to a generator, but the stabilizers –"

"Rodney," Sheppard warned, sensing a ramble. "There's no Zelenka around to translate, remember?"

"I know what they were trying to do. Ruhal was nowhere close, he'd only scratched the surface. It would have taken him months to realize –"

"McKay –"

"The weapon works as a basic nuclear warhead," the scientist explained, his voice pinched with pain. "Two substances are mixed to produce a powerful reaction, which is then channeled into a directed explosion. One of the effects is to completely disintegrate anything in a certain radius."

"Then it works?" Devla demanded.

Amin: "Doctor McKay –"

"No." McKay gave a soft sigh, slumping slightly between the two men. "I get what its designers were trying to do, and it's a fine idea, but it's fiction. The physics just don't add up. Switch this thing on and it will pull itself apart before you've even pulled the trigger."

"No." The boy darted forward, crossing the floor to stand on the other side of the console, glaring hatefully at McKay. "You're wrong."

The scientist gurgled in what Sheppard guessed was a laugh. "Oh, sure. I'm lying, right? The weapon is a brilliant invention. The cure to what ails you. But why would I lie?" His voice rose in pitch, desperate, frustrated. "I love the irony, don't you? One side locks us up and the other shoots me because I tried to fix a weapon that was _always going to be broken!"_ His weight dropped against Sheppard and Ford, causing both men to stagger.

"Woah, easy," Sheppard warned, resting his space hand on McKay's chest. He shared in the man's anger but restrained himself, aware of the guns bristling around them. He looked across at Amin, struggling to keep his voice level. "Please."

"Set him down," Amin allowed. "That is all we need."

Carefully, Sheppard and Ford took McKay back to his blood-slicked corner, lowering him back to the floor, the stretcher now in pieces. "Teyla."

She was there in a second, armed with fresh bandages and what remained of the painkillers.

Devla was still angry, taking several determined steps towards McKay. "You're a fool."

"Hey, woah!" Sheppard rose, stepping into Devla's path. "Now look," he continued, his voice hard, hands clenched, "I realize you'd like to believe in your father, but he's wrong. My friend over there is by a long way the brightest guy I've ever met, so if he says it won't work, then it _won't work._"

"As Doctor McKay pointed out, he has no reason to lie," Amin said, softly.

"Except to escape from you!" Devla shot back. "If he were right our scientists would have discovered this long ago."

"In case you hadn't noticed, that lab of yours is full of just about every piece of crap your people could dig up," Sheppard snapped. "They wouldn't know a nuke from a toaster."

"Major," Teyla broke in, meaningfully. She knelt by McKay, one hand gripping his wrist. Rodney's chest rose and fell in short, broken movements, his skin near translucent and slick with sweat.

Sheppard tore his gaze away with difficulty, studied the floor. For a moment the only sound in the room was that of the scientist's struggled breaths.

He snapped his head up suddenly, took a step into Amin's personal space, confronting the Hallan leader. "You've got what you want. Now let us go."

Amin returned his gaze coolly for a moment, then stepped back. "I cannot do that. It will be impossible for you to return to the Circle without being captured by the council's forces."

"Then help us," Sheppard ground out.

"Major –"

"You owe us."

The Hallan dropped his gaze, inclined his head slightly. "Yes. I believe I do. But one favor is not enough for me to risk the lives of my men. The Circle is heavily guarded, and if we reveal our position we will lose this building, and all it contains." He lifted his head, pushed his shoulders back, addressing his followers. "We will hold here, until word spreads to the City. Our people will see the government's folly, realize all that has been lost in the name of a false cause. We have finally found all that we have been hoping for, the proof that will destroy Marikar's council and return our people to glory."

His men shifted, backs straightening, noses tilting up in pride.

"And what about us?" Sheppard persisted.

Amin turned, and looked genuinely apologetic. "I am sorry, Major Sheppard, but until our forces have strengthened you must remain with us. It is my hope that we will be able to stage a rebellion in a matter of weeks, perhaps less –"

Angrily: "Not good enough –"

"- and once we are able to take the Great Circle we will escort you through it to your home."

"By then –" Sheppard paused, lowering his voice, taking another step towards Amin. "By then McKay will be dead."

Amin's gaze drifted, lingering on the bloody corner in which McKay lay, unconscious, one hand clasped loosely in Teyla's. Said, without his eyes leaving the scene, "I am sorry, Major, and I hope you will forgive me. But there is no other way."


	16. Voiding the Warranty

NB: Sorry about the longish period between this update and the last. Had a very bad week at work. Why is it that the richer a person gets, the greedier they get, and when a person ascends the career ladder into higer management, they lose all sense of reason and common sense? Sorry, enough whining...

**If I Die**

Chapter Sixteen - Voiding the Warranty

Alien database or no alien database, getting to his feet had been a really bad idea.

He knew he was a hypochondriac. He knew of Carson's frustration every time he stuck his head around the infirmary door, gripping a burnt finger, or limping from a stubbed toe. The Scotsman was easy to read, particularly when exasperated, and worse, Rodney knew when he was driving the man to distraction and still couldn't help himself.

But he wasn't entirely stupid. Prone to panic, yes, but also able to recognize a broken ankle from cramp, to hear alarm bells rather than his own paranoia.

Able to feel a sense of clinical detachment whilst slowly bleeding out from a gunshot wound on the cold floor of an alien lab.

His mother had not had the same ability. Headaches and pills and clasped foreheads, gin and tonics at noon and long lie-downs.

Childhood was a lonely, messy affair. He'd been the mistake, the mid-life crisis, born into his sister's life at a time when the last thing a thirteen year old girl wanted was to look after her little brother – particularly when he would use her lipsticks as crayons or, older, dismantle her stereo to see how it worked.

It didn't matter that he could always put it back together again. It was enough that he'd touched her stuff, and, as his father reminded him, voided the warranty.

A scientific mind was less useful in an eight year old than in a civilian genius assigned to the military.

His parents had never been quite sure what to do with him.

His father had largely ignored him, aside from those moments when it was impossible – dismantling the stereo had been one of them. There had been no real sense of neglect, since he'd never known any different, and from what he could tell, neither had his sister.

It had only been a matter of time before his father flew the nest in a more literal sense. He had never been a family man, spent his life in his work, and avoiding the home he resented. His mother had ignored her husband's affairs, since love had never played a role in the lifestyle she had planned for herself. The only luxury she could do without. Bringing up a genius, a boy who at age six knew how the toaster worked, and at age eight was arguing against his science teachers and scoffed at his Sunday school lectures in biology – that hadn't been part of her design.

As he'd been quick to point out to the shrink his parents sent him to, after he'd blown up his own tree house in the name of physics – he had it easy. Many kids, he knew, suffered far worse. He'd seen documentaries, led by well meaning, overly earnest journalists, in a time slot his parents disapproved of. No violence, no yelling, not much of anything, and he knew no different.

The shrink had frowned, and said that there were other forms of abuse. It had been their last appointment.

He'd never been a friend of shrinks. Being patronized as a child had led only to hostility, and not much had changed since. Even with Heightmeyer, he suspected it felt like drawing blood out of a stone.

Not everyone could be like Aiden.

He'd never met anybody so… open. Ford's emotions were always at the very surface, and a year ago he might have considered such a person to be superficial, but not now. The Lieutenant seemed to see no reason for keeping his thoughts bottled up, unless the situation demanded it. But outside of military protocol, Aiden seemed to love talking about anything and everything. Within a matter of weeks McKay knew the names of Ford's brothers and sisters, his grandmother's favorite daytime television show, the last three stations of his parents, the name of his dog and how long it had taken his second cousin to learn how to ride a bike.

He still couldn't understand why Aiden was so comfortable with everyone knowing the ins and outs of the Ford family, when he had to be on his death bed before admitting he even had a sibling. And he wasn't sure why he remembered all the tiny details of Aiden's family life that in a previous life he might have tuned out.

There was a lot he didn't understand about life on Atlantis, and the people he shared his with.

There was a lot he didn't understand about people, full stop.

It was her suggestion for him to get a cat. She'd said that if he could love a pet unconditionally, he might do better with his own species.

It had been an off-hand comment during a fight, and it was only months later, alone in the dark on the couch, befriended by late night Twin Peaks repeats and stale pizza, that he'd remembered. Opted for an adult male, the loner, rejected over the smaller bundles of big eared, wide-eyed joy that other homes preferred. One lonely tom cat sat in a cage.

The first night in the apartment it had thrown up on his bed and eaten the middle page spread of the latest National Geographic.

Theirs had been a love-hate relationship.


	17. Sheppard, John Sheppard

**If I Die**

Chapter Seventeen - Sheppard. John Sheppard.

Rodney opened his eyes.

They'd been on an alien planet once, some godforsaken hole of an ice continent in the middle of a blizzard. The locals had kindly put them up for the night in an igloo, the men in one, Teyla housed nearby with some of the younger women. Himself, Sheppard and Ford, sat huddled under native furs, whilst their fingers and toes froze.

He'd complained of frostbite, another grasp at hypochondria. Sheppard had poked him in the side, and told him that if it hurt, it was a good sign – it was when you couldn't feel anything that you had to worry.

And now it was the understatement of the century, and Rodney had to remind himself of the igloo, and his frostbite, and if it hurt, then that was a good thing.

It hurt.

Trying to concentrate on something other than finding a way to breathe that didn't involve his chest rising, McKay sought out his teammates from beneath the gloom.

_If it really is that gloomy. Or is that just me? Night closing in... or something... what was the line?  
_  
A tickle of something warm and liquid at the back of his throat caused a cough, and another strangled gurgle of pain.

_Focus, McKay. First, where are we?_

A cave, he decided. There was a roof above his head, and hard stone beneath, pressing up through the material of his jacket.

_Right. Good. A cave. On the alien planet, P2-whatever. Stupid designations. It would make more sense to name the damn things. Let them all have a go. Like hurricanes. Except ban Ford from taking part. Lessee... start with A, then go male to female to male... except you couldn't call a planet Steve, could you? Well, no, Sheppard had already claimed that name... _

McKay, wake up!

Right. Right. Sorry.

He couldn't see Sheppard or Ford. Could just see Teyla's shadow on the wall across from him, then realized that the warmth beneath his head was probably her thighs.

_Better hers than Fords,_ he reminded himself. _Or, god help me, Sheppard's._

_But they're fine. The team are fine. Stuck in a cave on an alien planet but they're fine._

_Right. Because it's the scientist geek that always gets it in the neck. Or, in this case, stomach. _

Not the soldier, or the hunter, or, the, uh, other soldier. The scientist. More importantly, me.

First getting zapped by that big, black, energy creature thing. Oh, sure, he'd waded into that situation through free will, but it had still landed him in the infirmary for a day, all in the name of heroics. And then getting a knife in the arm from Koyla's goon. Less than subtle, abrupt, but still torture.

But this took the biscuit.

_I'm a scientist, for gods sake! A civilian one at that! I should be in a nice, safe lab surrounded by nice, safe scientists, working towards that Nobel prize. Not lying with my guts open on the floor of a cave on an alien planet whose name I don't even freakin' know!  
_  
"McKay?"

He blinked against hot, frustrated tears, and a face came into view. Sheppard, looking concerned through dirt and exhaustion.

"You okay?"

He giggled at the question, regretted it a second later when the movement set his ribs alight and sucked air from his lungs.

"McKay?"

Caught his breath, and sobered up. "Better than ever."

"You were talking to yourself."

"Thinking aloud." _Talking to myself? Oh great, that's just great. Way to go, Rodney._

"About anything in particular?"

"Oh, you know." The giggle rose again. "Life, the universe, everything."

Sheppard's face was blank.

_Heathen,_ McKay thought. _I guess you didn't spend your senior year reading fantasy into the late hour, memorizing all the one liners and scribbling them on your science books.  
_  
_No, you were probably out with girls. Lots of girls. Right, John? Bond girls on every arm._

He had a sudden, insane image of Sheppard wearing a tuxedo and posing Charlie's Angels-style, finger cocked, with two beautiful blondes hanging off either arm. Somewhere, a particularly shiny General Hammond stroked a white cat.

"McKay?"

He blinked. "Whnf?"

"Thought we'd lost you for a second."

"Oh, no." He tried to wave his arm casually, but couldn't find the energy to lift the dead weight. "I'm fine. Super-fine."

"Rii-ight." Sheppard frowned. "Just stay with us, okay. Doctor Weir would kill me if I lost Atlantis' best scientist."

"Best?" he tried for, but Sheppard's face was gone, and he was left with the ceiling again.

The voices of his companions washed over him, their words disjointed, distant, almost alien. He gave up trying to concentrate – it made his head ache – and started trying to count the mosaic tiles in the ceiling. It was something he'd become practiced at, having spent many long nights in university halls trying not to listen to the giggles and moans from nearby rooms. Counting the holes in the ceiling tiles. Calculating the average of each tile, then estimating the surface area of the room.

This time he lost track at around thirty, grew frustrated.

_Guess that's what having a dirty great hole in your side does for you._

"Thirteen thousand, four hundred and ninety eight. Not including the cracked ones."

A hand on his cheek and he turned his head, saw her kneeling beside him. She caught him looking and flushed, drew a hand to twiddle at a loose strand of hair. Embarrassed: "Hey."

"Hey." His words slurred again, and he drew his tongue around the inside of his mouth, but his throat was dry and scratchy. "Come here often?"

She rolled her eyes, a habit she'd picked up off him. "Hah hah." Tilted her head to one side, looked down at him sadly. "Gotta say, you're not looking so good."

"There's a surprise," he managed, coughed, his chest clenching down at the movement, shoulders knocking back against the hard floor. Carefully she slid into the space between him and the wall, slipped her body alongside his and draped her arm, carefully, across his rib cage. With one finger she made a small, circular movement against his skin, the touch calming, releasing the tension from his chest, pushing the pain back down into his abdomen.

"Ssh." She nestled her head in his armpit, so he could feel her murmurs against his skin. "You shouldn't talk."

He stayed obediently silent for a few moments, enjoying the touch of her finger against his chest, losing himself in the sound of her breath and the warmth of her body against his.

_Just like old times. Almost._

"Hey," he said softly, voice a rasp.

"Mm?"

"I think I might be dying."

He heard her breath hitch, and then the rustle of her clothes as she moved, propped herself up on one elbow to look him in the eyes. "Why would you say that?"

"Because I'm hallucinating. You're not real."

"Right. So you're imaging me."

He tried not to giggle. "Um, yes. It seems that way. Because, you see, you can't be here."

Her voice against his ear. "Why not?"

"Because you left me."


	18. Mice and Men

**If I Die**

Chapter Eighteen - Mice and Men

Sheppard had tried being reasonable, but Amin's departure had put paid to that. The Hallan had gone to spread the news, to speak to a scouting party who had managed to break the mountain boundary without being seen.

He guessed that had been about twenty minutes ago, but it felt longer, enough to have him climbing the walls, as much as Amin's men would allow him. Ford stood at military rest in the shadow of the wall, watching the guards and casting glances at the door. Teyla sat beside McKay, empty of bandages and painkillers, cradling the scientist's head in her lap. He'd been slipping in and out of consciousness since his investigation of the Silani computer, more out than in, and their last conversation had been brief and none too lucid.

_"McKay?"  
_

_"Whnf?" _

"Thought we'd lost you for a second."

"Oh, no. I'm fine. Super-fine."

Devla was back at his spot along the opposite wall, crouching, knees hugged to his chest. Sheppard was aware of being watched, but every time he turned the boy's study turned to the pedestals.

Amin had left his men with strict instructions not to touch the computers, and in the meantime the machines seemed to have automatically shut down, returning to their previous undisturbed state. With their light extinguished Sheppard became aware of the dawn, sunlight warming the earth as it trickled through the outside undergrowth.

Four hours before Elizabeth would call, as much good as it would do them, with their radios, packs and weapons in the possession of the Hallan. And besides…

He glanced at McKay.

"He is going to die," Devla said suddenly, his voice soft.

Sheppard let out a long breath, his shoulders slumping. "Yes," he replied, simply. "I think so."

Devla gently knocked one foot against his opposite ankle, chewing on his lip. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah." He dropped back against the wall. "So am I."

A flurry of activity outside signaled the return of Amin. He strode through the door with a smile on his face, his men stepping aside and basking in his glow. Sheppard made no effort to acknowledge his return, save for a dull: "Good news?"

"Much." Amin beamed. "The news of our discovery has spread through our numbers, into the city itself. Soon all Silan will know of our discovery. The Hallan are re-energized, Major, we are reborn."

"How nice for you," Ford muttered, stood beside Teyla.

Amin had either never encountered sarcasm, or chose to ignore it. "Indeed. Even the council forces will hear soon enough. I believe it will not be long until their scouting parties turn their attention away from you."

Sheppard lifted his head, his interest piqued. "You've deliberately let Marikar know of your discovery?"

"Of course, Major." Simply: "We wish all our people to know."

"But the council will send their men here, you see that, don't you?" He shook his head in confusion. "No offence, but there are more of them than you –"

"And we are outgunned." Amin raised a hand. "I am not naïve. Marikar will order his men here, and we will be ready for them, but whilst we wait the rumor will grow. The movement of troops cannot be concealed from our people, and in their actions the council proclaims their lie." He turned, looked at his men proudly. "We Hallan dedicate our lives to the profit of our people. The council forces follow orders to ensure there is food in their bellies and money for their wives. Few will remain to protect the council. Marikar may order his men here, but few will come, and we are ready to defend this outpost."

"You plan for the city to rebel before Marikar can take control," Teyla said, softly.

Another smile. "You are correct."

Sheppard frowned, reviewing the cliff notes in his head. "You'll divide the security forces," he said, slowly. "Will they continue to hold the Stargate?"

The question seemed to rattle Amin, who blinked in confusion. "The Circle?" Then he seemed to catch up, shaking his head. "Marikar will not abandon his search for you. He will not leave the Circle unguarded."

"But we're no longer important –"

"He no more believes that than I."

Sheppard stepped closer to Amin, trying to stare the man down. "He'll need his men elsewhere. It could give us a chance."

"A small one." Amin took a deep breath, then stepped back. "It is better that you stay here. Wait until the council are overthrown, and you can be escorted back safely."

He snapped, unable to take anymore. Had been up for too long, without sleep, pushed around by fake smiles and lies, and now his jacket was ruined with blood stains. "McKay doesn't have that long and you know it! We can't just sit here until you decide it's safe for us to leave!"

"And what of your team?" Amin argued. "You would sacrifice their lives as well as your own battling Marikar's guards?"

Sheppard was aware of Ford slipping into place beside him. "We don't leave people behind," the younger man said, simply.

"Major Sheppard is not in a position to make that decision. It is ours alone."

Amin paused, looking from Teyla to Ford, then back to Sheppard. Then suddenly, in an impulsive movement, he crossed the small space to where Teyla sat. Sheppard watched, tense, but said nothing, only putting out a hand to stop Ford from reacting. He saw the Hallan leader crouch beside McKay, saw a hand reach out and, with surprising tenderness, rest against the scientist's cheek.

"You would risk your lives for a man already lost?"

"He's not –" and Sheppard stopped, taking a deep breath. "You've seen we have more technology than you," he said, struggling to remain reasonable, clinging to hope. To the pity Amin was showing towards McKay. "So do our doctors."

"You believe they can save him?"

"If we get him back now, yes." And he couldn't be sure if it were a lie. Took a step towards the Hallan leader. "I know your main concern is the council. I sympathize with what your people are going through. But we didn't ask to be involved in this civil war of yours and like you admitted, you owe us."

Silence lingered for several long moments, Amin watching the unconscious form of McKay closely, and in turn watched intently by Ford and Sheppard. Eventually he rose, turning to face them, his expression somber. "I will not order my men to help you. I am sorry for your Doctor McKay but I will not risk their lives to save his."

"We don't need your help," Ford said, quickly. "We can get to the gate on our own."

"You are outnumbered."

"We'll take our chances," Sheppard growled.

"What if the guards are distracted?"

Devla had been forgotten, and with a roomful of eyes now turning on him he flinched, backing into the wall, intimidated. "I just think," he said nervously, studying the floor, "if the men were looking somewhere else, they would have to leave the Great Circle."

Sheppard stared at him. At a boy barely old enough to have left high school. "What sort of distraction?"

Devla gave an awkward, bony shrug. "I can lie to them. Tell them I've seen you. For a while you'll still be their focus, until their orders change."

"You'll send them on a wild goose chase?" Ford asked, then winced at Devla's confusion. "You'll trick them," he explained. "Send them in the wrong direction."

An eager nod. "Yes. They might follow me and abandon their posts."

Amin was already shaking his head. "You are Marikar's son. You are on the side of the council and cannot be trusted."

"My father doesn't think for me," Devla snapped back, anger seeming to overcome some of his nerves. He rose, though still kept his back pressed against the wall. "He is a good man," he continued, tensing his shoulders, jutting out his chin determinedly. "He protects our people."

"By wasting our resources on a dream," one of the guards snapped back, making the boy flinch.

"Woah." Sheppard stepped between the two, hands raised. "Let's just listen to him."

A disapproving frown creased Amin's forehead. "You praise your father, yet in the same breath talk of betraying him."

"No," Devla said fiercely. "That's not, I – that's not what this is. But…" And stopped, looking towards the pedestals. Sadly: "My father would have me locked in the council halls to protect me. But I'm not blind. I've seen how people live." Paused, and looked down at his hands. "There are tapestries in the halls, old, from before the Wraith. My mother would point them out to me, and tell me stories of my ancestors."

"Tales told to a child," Amin said, softly. "But because of one such tale, your father and his council have imprisoned all Silani."

Devla stayed silent for a moment, then tilted his head to look up at Amin. "What will you do with him? Will you kill him?"

Amin pressed his lips together thinly. "We plan to banish the council, as they have banished us."

"But what if I prove myself to you? Will you let us stay?"

The Hallan considered Devla for a long moment, sweeping the boy with an appraising gaze, before finally dipping his head in acknowledgement. "He will be under your custody."

"Are you saying you'll let him do this?" Ford asked, confused.

Another nod. "Let this be the favor I owe. It is a chance, nothing more."

"Then let's try and make it a better one." Sheppard gestured at the guards. "In our packs we have a weapon called C-4. It's an explosive. We can set it up at a distance from here, and while Devla's leading the council forces away from the gate, we can detonate it."

A slight, appreciative smile spread across Amin's face. "They will panic. Scatter."

"Leaving us with a clear path to the gate."

"Hopefully," the Hallan added, meaningfully.

"We'll take our chances."

Amin gave a soft sigh, dropping his head, considering Sheppard's plan. Devla slowly extracted himself from the wall and came to stand beside Ford, Aiden offering the boy a smile.

"Very well." Amin turned, his shoulders tense. "You shall have your C-4, Major. Two of my men will accompany you whilst you set it up. Two more will lead your party to a spot close to the Great Circle, and there they will wait for you."

"And me?" Devla said, quickly.

"You will be escorted to the waiting place." Amin glanced from the boy to Sheppard. "From there you will be on your own."

Sheppard nodded in comprehension. Devla was their responsibility, and their lives were the ones at risk from the boy's betrayal. "Lieutenant, your orders are to get through the Gate as soon it's clear, understood?" He saw the objection in the younger man's eyes, added before it could be voiced: "Get McKay and yourselves home."

Reluctantly Aiden nodded, though both hands were clenched into fists.

Amin was looking down at Devla, a curious mix of pity and pride on his face. "Your loyalty to your father is to be commended. But if you betray us –"

"This isn't about that," Devla said quickly, raising his head to meet Amin's gaze. "He is my leader. He's done only what he thought was best. That you're right – it doesn't change anything. Not for me."

Another, slight nod, then Amin turned, raising his chin to look directly at Sheppard. "Very well, Major. It seems you have your chance."


	19. Waiting

**If I Die**

Chapter Nineteen - Waiting

Amin was true to his word. Their weapons and packs had been returned, along with their GDOs, Ford's own now making a comforting lump in his jacket pocket. Two Hallan had led them from the laboratory, up the mountain to their designated waiting spot, just in sight of the Stargate. One of the men carried McKay on his back, seemingly without effort, though he was only of a slight frame and a few inches shorter than Teyla. Tight sinews moved without sign of strain, lowering the scientist to the ground with care.

Aiden had to place his hand on McKay's chest before he could be certain he still breathed. Felt the man's ribs move in shallow, irregular waves.

To dark eyes met his, questioning. He answered softly: "The Doc's hangin' in there," and then smiled, as though he believed it.

Devla crouched beside Teyla in the shadow of a bush, looking towards the Stargate. Above him stood the second Hallan escort, shouldering his weapon.

"You will wait here," the guard instructed.

"Thanks," Aiden offered, receiving a nod in return, before the two men melted back into the undergrowth. It was clear the Hallan were better at adapting to the forest than their fellow Silani. They had the skill of the Athosians, moving like shadows through the trees, silent, aware of every change in their surrounds.

In contrast, the council guards surrounding the Stargate seemed nervous, jittery. A dozen men clustered together, some sat on rocks, others stood with their backs to each other, weapons drawn and darting about the forest at the rustle of each leaf.

Devla was watching them intently, his nerves having returned. "What if they shoot me?"

"You will come at them from one direction," Teyla explained, "And we will draw their attention elsewhere."

Devla hesitated, then nodded, biting his bottom lip. He glanced at Aiden. "Will you come back, do you think?"

Ford hesitated, unsure of his answer. "Maybe."

"You could explain to my father." One hand, pressed against the earth, curled inwards. "Tell him why I did this."

"He will be proud of you," said Teyla, softly.

Dark eyes closed, briefly. "I doubt it."

Aiden reached out to put a hand on the boy's shoulder. "Give him a chance. He'll understand."

Devla flinched, and pulled away. "I don't think so," he said sadly, and then in one quick, fluid movement pushed himself to his feet and disappeared into the undergrowth, gangly youth forgotten. Aiden cursed inwardly.

"He will be fine," Teyla said quietly. "It may take some time, but Marikar will be proud of his son." She held out one hand and offered him a small, round pebble. "The distraction."

"Right." He took the stone from her, then pulled his arm back and let loose. The small rock flew high and fast into the air, before dropping twenty meters distant to the east of Devla's direction.

Up by the Stargate, the guards heard the noise and were on their feet, turning their weapons towards an empty bush. At the same time a "Hey!" was shouted through the air.

Ford strained to see Devla, with no success, but he could hear his voice.

"Don't fire. I don't have a weapon."

The guards turned and must have seen Devla, for one of them called out: "It is Antu Marikar's son."

And then Ford pulled back, aware of the risk of being seen. He sat back on his haunches, listening.

"What are you doing here, boy?"

"I followed the visitors as they made their escape, but I lost them in the forest."

Another voice, deeper than the last. "You followed and did not raise the alarm?"

"I was scared," came back the quick response. "I thought if I kept to their trail I could warn you, you could cut them off."

"You should not have left the city. What if the Hallan had found you? They would have sent you back to your father in a box."

Ford decided he didn't like the deep voice.

"He's only a boy," said another, adding, meaningfully, "and the Antu's son. Tell us, where did you last see these visitors?"

"They were walking towards the eastern ridge, moving slowly. I think one of them is injured."

Deep Voice again. "You should hope we find them, Devla. Their capture may distract your father from your punishment."

"Are you going to find them?" Devla asked, his voice insistent.

"Those are our orders." Deep Voice must have moved closer to the ridge, because now Ford could see him – a tall, skinny man with a dark beard and shaved head. "Absikera, Jaysirah, Bajula.."

Orders were issued. Six of the men broke off from the group to follow Deep Voice and Devla, trotting beside them.

"They had weapons with them. They could have set up camp somewhere. Maybe the river…"

"The river is a distance from here."

"Then a spring –"

"You will be quiet, or I will have you sent back to the city in a carrier."

The group disappeared into the undergrowth, heading down the opposite side of the mountain. Ford strained to see Devla as long as he could, but the boy had gone and he turned back to the remaining guards. Five men clustered around the gate, more nervous than before, their weapons held high.

Ford slipped his out his own P-90, resting gently on a tree stump. He felt a hand touch his arm and turned to see Teyla looking back at him.

"They act on orders alone."

"I know." He shifted impatiently, finger on the safety. "How's McKay doing?"

Teyla dropped her hand to the scientist's chest. Her silence caused Ford to look up, alarmed.

"Teyla –"

"He lives." And she ducked her eyes, taking McKay's hand in hers. "Major Sheppard will –"

Her words were interrupted by a loud explosion rocking the tree line.


	20. Panic

**If I Die**

Chapter Twenty - Panic

It took all the restraint Sheppard possessed to stop himself from simply throwing himself through the bushes, running through the undergrowth whilst ignoring the siren call he'd thrown up to tell the Silani exactly where he was.

The Hallan had been impressed with the C-4, watching closely as he'd packed a quantity into the earth, rigged the wires and the detonator. He'd been half afraid that the men would make some move to take the explosive from him, but they seemed content to let him be, even returning his gun and pack.

Now his final shadow had gone, leaving him with instructions to head for the tallest tree, the skinny trunk with a smattering of large, wide leaves at its top. He followed their directions, cutting through the undergrowth and wishing that he had Teyla's stealth. The smoke from the burning bushes behind him filled his nose and mouth, and all he could hear was the crackle of flames and the sound of branches whipping past him as he ran.

Then alarmed shouts, confusion. He thought he could hear gunfire, but wasn't sure.

He was so busy concentrating on the noise from the gate he almost stumbled over his team. Teyla, sat gripping McKay's hand and Aiden, P90 trained on him, the younger man panting slightly.

"Lieutenant."

The gun dropped. "Way to make a distraction, sir."

"Major." Teyla was looking up from McKay, her face pale. "He has stopped breathing."

For a slight second it was as though everything had frozen, condensed into that one tiny spot beneath a large, leafy bush and the tall tree, ash drifting through the breeze, Teyla's wide eyes staring up at his and McKay's own closed, head lolling slightly to one side.

"There's no time." And without thinking twice he was manhandling McKay into his arms, the man's weight awkward and heavy. He rose, Teyla reaching out to steady him. "Lieutenant, I need covering fire."

Ford nodded, rising, weapon drawn and firing to the left of the gate.

Stumbling, Sheppard followed, Teyla close beside him, her own weapon drawn. Staggering up the mountainside, ignoring the rocks that snagged at his boots or the thorns and twigs that caught and ripped his shirt. Words over and over in his head, _don't do this don't do this don't you dare… _Heart hammering against his chest, he pressed forward, was aware of his own voice shouting: "Teyla!"

And she was ahead of him, at the DHD. Two Silani were down on the ground, one shot in the leg, the other clutching his arm. Four others were struggling to untangle themselves from the undergrowth they had run into after the explosion, pulling out their guns. Sheppard could hear weapons fire, tried to duck and weave as best he could whilst struggling to hold McKay.

Then the whoosh of the Stargate as the wormhole burst forth with brilliant light, filling up the small clearing. Sheppard shouting for Ford and Teyla, then aware of a sharp pain bursting against the back of his knee and falling forward, through the event horizon…


	21. Jumping the Shark

**If I Die**

Chapter Twenty One - Jumping the Shark

Thunderstorms. He'd always hated them.

She'd given him an ultimatum. One final shot at redemption. Give it up, she'd said, pleaded with him to take some time off, to join real life a couple of times a week.

She'd tried to convince him that academic success wasn't everything, but he couldn't. He'd lost himself in an experiment and only looked up when the janitors switched the lights off.

He'd never run so far and so hard. Not until Atlantis, and desperate chases across alien planets. And back then his youth had been betrayed by too many Cheetos and nights in the lab, and the bus he'd just missed and the taxis that ignored him.

And the rain and the thunder, and the lightening. The water dripping down his back and soaking his socks and plastering the hair to his head.

He'd arrived at the restaurant to see through a sheet of glass the party in full swing, and her, smiling, and happy, for the first time in months. Without him.

The limp bouquet was thrust into a trash can. He'd walked home, wet through and sneezing.

And in his head, he'd posted a letter under her door brimming with apologies, and he'd won her over, and she'd come back to him.

And in his head, he'd left a message on her answer-phone, and said with dignity that she was right, and that she deserved better, and he was happy for her.

And in the lab, he'd resumed his experiment and drove everything down without a word. She'd left him, and he'd watched her go, unwilling to change, selfish to the last.

He'd asked Sheppard to leave him.

The man was insane, he decided. He was accustomed to being left, he expected it. Hell, he knew that for the most part, he deserved it. But for whatever reason, Sheppard had said no, and he was still here, as was Teyla and Ford.

Still here, stuck with him till the last moment. Till there was nothing left to lose, to spill across the floor.

Hallucinating ex-girlfriends and reliving bitter memories. Less of a flash before his eyes, and more of a film reel, slow and increasingly addled, like those all night reruns of the X-Files. The later seasons.

Thunderstorms and water down the back of his neck. Running down the sidewalk, drenched by passing cars, Kolya's voice in his ear, screaming. Lightening across an ocean and the flicker of streetlight reflected in puddles.

And the whisper of a voice in his head, and his own words.

_If I die before I wake…_

He was dying, and it wasn't peaceful and quick, but slow, and painful, and still here was his team. He could hear Sheppard and Ford, and feel Teyla's warmth, though he hadn't the strength to open his eyes.

Gaul said he'd changed. He couldn't bring himself to believe it.


	22. Falling

**If I Die**

Chapter Twenty Two - Falling

Sheppard tumbled through the gate in a tangle of limbs, his left leg folding beneath him, bringing both himself and his cargo crashing down. Reflexively he twisted, shifted so he hit the floor first, McKay falling awkwardly on top of him. Stars burst before his eyes when his head hit the floor and he lay for a second, struggling to breathe despite the weight across his chest.

But only a second. Hands suddenly appeared, pulling the weight from him. He pushed himself to a sitting position, saw Bates and Cohen laying the scientist on his back against the floor.

"Beckett." He cracked his head to the side, shouted loudly: "Beckett!"

Elizabeth was ahead of him. A rattle of wheels against the floor and then Beckett and a medical team were running through the control room, laden with IV bags and oxygen.

He tried to push himself onto his knees and found his body reluctant to co-operate. Spoke on auto-pilot, the words not quite registering with his brain. "He was shot. Hours ago. He stopped breathing…"

Carson glanced in his direction, caught his gaze and acknowledged the information with: "We've got him Major."

Sheppard sat and watched, unable to move. Beckett and his team moved as one, Carson snapping orders with his staff only a fraction of a second behind. Saw one hand reach out, fingers pressing against a white neck.

Felt the world drop away when he heard the words: "He's in defib!"

Then more alarmed shouts, instructions, the whine of a defibrillator and careful emotionless counting from Carson.

Barely felt Elizabeth's hand on his shoulder. "John."

Carson, his mutter carrying across the short space: "Come on, Rodney. Don't you –"

And then another whine, and the bucking of a body against the floor, limbs in a horrible rictus.

Firmly: "John –"

"And again… wait… once more…"

Another whine and a thud, and a shudder from himself.

"Got him!" Carson, triumphant, and Sheppard tried to lift himself up, to spot a glimpse of blue between the crowd of medical staff. Watched whilst lab coats descended upon McKay, lifting him onto a trolley, then watching that trolley and Beckett, still snapping orders, rushing out of the 'gate room.

He pushed himself up to follow, and his left leg protested. He gasped, fell back onto his butt.

"Take it easy, Major." A voice he didn't recognize, and an anonymous face he'd passed in the hall. A male nurse, armed with a medical kit, crouching over him wearing a concerned expression. "You're hurt."

"I am?" he said, dully, looking down at his throbbing left leg. A trickle of crimson was slowly puddling on the floor beneath his knee.

"John." Elizabeth again, kneeling beside the nurse, retaining her hand on his shoulder. She caught his gaze, studied him intently.

_Trying to decide if I'm compus mentus._

He blinked, mentally shook himself, distracted by the distant sounds of Beckett's team departing down the corridor.

The nurse was examining his knee, tutting softly under his breath. "We'll need to get this seen to in the infirmary, Major."

He must have waited too long to answer, because Elizabeth now had her other hand on his arm, and Teyla and Ford had appeared over her shoulder.

"John."

Looking up at her, he scraped a hand through his hair roughly, sighed. "Really bad day, Elizabeth."

She grimaced, her mouth set into a thin line. "Let's get you to the infirmary."


	23. If I Die

**If I Die**

Chapter Twenty Three - If I Die

"If I die before I wake..."

Pause. Another murmur. "If I die..."

Somebody patted his shoulder. "I think you're jumping the gun, Rodney."

He considered opening his eyes, then decided against it. Wherever he was, it was warm and fuzzy, like curling up under a duvet during a cold Canadian winter, watching the snow ploughs move up and down the street through a steamed up window.

There was nothing to be done. No answers needed finding, no problems needed solving, no one needed saving or to know the square root of two thousand nine

hundred and seventy eight.

Except those words were stuck in his head, like scratched vinyl.

"I pray the Lord..."

"Typical," said the voice. "Spouting poetry in his sleep."

A second voice, and a touch against his wrist. "That's not poetry, John. It's a prayer." Then softly, "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

And if I die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take."

Ah. That was it.

"Huh," the voice continued. "Never saw McKay as the religious type."

"He does have a tendency to surprise us."

The voices were comforting, like listening to a talk radio show, some Sunday lunch time hour. Soft and soothing. Spoke to him of home.

"You don't have to wait here, Elizabeth. Carson will tell you the minute he wakes up. You should get some sleep."

"I could say the same to you, Major."

_Now I lay me down to sleep…_

He settled back into the warmth, any restless driven out. Someone had found the last piece. Everything - or at least, anything that mattered – was now exactly where it ought to be.

…_my soul to keep._


	24. The End

Author's Notes: Phew, one more chapter to go after this one and then we're done! Thank you for all the lovely reviews.

**If I Die**

Chapter Twenty Four - The End

Sheppard shifted uncomfortably, trying to find a better position for his bandaged leg.

He'd been sat in the chair for little over an hour now, ignoring Carson's advice and insisting on being moved from his bed to see the first signs of life from the scientist up close. The shift of eyes under closed lids, the quickening heart rate against the monitor, a slight twitch in one hand.

Carson had assured him that McKay would make a full recovery, given enough time, and that the semi-coherent ramblings were to be expected, since 'when did you ever know the man to be quiet?'

He felt the need to watch, nevertheless. He hadn't left McKay alone on the planet, and he wasn't about to do so now.

"He awake yet?"

Ford, coming to slouch against the bed. Teyla stood beside him, keeping herself more rigid, lifting one hand to touch the bed rail.

"No," Carson said, from his desk in the corner, "but it shouldn't be long."

Right on cue, there was a flicker of blue, and a soft groan. Beckett rose from his chair immediately, crossing over to the bed armed with a penlight.

The doctor bent over his patient, flashed white brilliance into his eyes. "Rodney?"

"Oh god," came the mumble, dry and indistinct, "I've died and woken up in Scotland."

The Scottish brogue: "You wish."

"He's okay?" Ford asked, quickly. Anxious over words spoken previously, oxygen deprivation and brain damage. Sheppard flinched, then relaxed when Carson released a small sigh.

"Aye. And as cranky as ever." Raising his hand, Beckett again flashed the penlight into McKay's gaze only for the scientist to recoil, screwing his eyes shut.

"Carson!"

A whine. Sheppard felt the knot in his stomach uncoil.

Beckett ignored him, withdrawing the penlight before tapping Rodney, gently on the cheek. "All done."

"Great. I'm blind." McKay's voice slurred, tongue thick.

Reaching out for the cup of ice chips, Sheppard waited a moment whilst Ford and Carson gently propped Rodney into a sitting position. Saw McKay grimace, but accept the chip obediently, closing his eyes as the chip melted.

"S' cold."

Teyla reached out to move the blanket up several inches, her face lit up by a smile. "Is this better?"

One pale hand fumbled at the hem of the blanket and hitched it a little higher. "Thank you."

"How are you feeling?" Ford asked, grinning.

"Like I was run over by a truck. Twice." Still slurred. Then a cough, and a gasp and a grimace of pain. Sheppard shifted forward in his seat instinctively, ignoring the protest from his injured knee.

Carson was already adjusting the IV, one hand resting gently on McKay's back. Gently: "Take it easy, Rodney. You've given us quite the scare. Do you remember anything?"

The words sounded dull, lifeless, as though the scientist was speaking about someone else. "I was shot."

"Yeah. It was real close, too."

Sheppard flinched, shot a dark look at Ford. The grin immediately fell, bouncing feet coming to rest. "You're gonna be fine, though," Aiden added, lamely.

Carson rolled his eyes. "Let me be the one to give the medical opinions, alright Lieutenant?"

Taking pity, Sheppard shrugged, flashing Beckett a grin. "But he's right, right?"

"I don't feel fine," McKay managed. He was stretching one hand out in front of him, watching with abstract curiosity as the appendage trembled.

John watched him, and frowned. "Well, like Ford said, it was close."

To his gratification Rodney looked up, hand dropping to his lap, his gaze gaining clarity as he took in Sheppard's bandaged leg. "You're hurt."

"You're not the only one who took a bullet," he replied, posturing a childlike pride, puffing up his chest.

"You did not take a bullet," Teyla broke in calmly. "I believe the earth phrase is, you were winged."

"Barely a scratch, actually," Carson added.

He scrunched his face in mock disgust. "Great. After me risking my own neck to get Rodney back, that's the thanks I get."

McKay blinked, evidently struggling to keep his eyes open. "I don't remember it."

"You were unconscious at the time," Teyla explained.

There was a long moment whilst Rodney engaged in some deep thought. Then: "I died?"

An uncomfortable silence followed, and a flurry of looks. Sheppard's turn to grimace, and to look away from his friend. McKay struggled to sit up, repeated disbelievingly: "I _died_?"

Then another gasp, and a stifled groan. What little color the scientist had gained suddenly fled from his face, the alarm on the ECG machine bleeping alarmingly. Sheppard was ready to rise from his chair but Carson was ahead of him, fiddling again with McKay's IV and pushing the man gently back against the covers.

After what seemed a long moment both the machine and McKay seemed to settle, though a look of frustration remained. "Ow."

Another grin, and Sheppard allowed himself to relax. "You've been saying that a lot."

"Well I _died_," Rodney responded testily.

"Fair point."

"I'll have no bickering in my infirmary, thank you," Carson broke in. "Rodney needs to rest."

There broke out a series of protests, from Ford's pleading "Come on, doc –" to Teyla's reasonable "Perhaps if we promised to remain quiet –" and his own childlike whine: "Aw, just a little longer…"

"Now," Carson said firmly. "You can be the first to tell Dr. Weir if you want. Stop her from wearing a hole in her office floor."

Sheppard gave a long, exaggerated sigh. "Fine." He took the crutches proffered by Ford, rose awkwardly, but lingered after his teammates had left. Watched Carson fussing over McKay, checking monitors and feeding him another ice chip, adjusting the bed and checking the IV for a third time.

Eventually Beckett stopped his ministrations and looked down on his patient.. Sheppard saw him place a hand on McKay's shoulder, and give a soft sigh. "Promise me you won't do this again, alright Rodney? I don't like having to patch you up all the time." Carson patted the shoulder. "Now go to sleep."

McKay pulled a face, but the effort seemed half hearted and he closed his eyes, slumping against the pillows.

Moving past Sheppard, Carson glanced down at his bandaged knee, then back up at him disapprovingly. "And you should be resting that leg of yours, Major."

Sheppard winced guiltily, and put on his best pious face. "Will do, Doc. In a sec."

Carson frowned, but seemed satisfied, returning to his desk. Sheppard moved to stand beside McKay's bed, leaning on the mattress a little to take his weight off the crutches.

"Do what Carson says."

McKay was still awake, though very drowsy. "Or fear his wrath," came back a reply, soft.

"Plus you'll be out of here quicker." And he glanced at Carson, then dropped his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. "While you were out of it, I thought of some interesting ways to spend our downtime."

One eyebrow rose curiously. "I'm intrigued."

He patted the scientist on the arm, told him: "Just wait."

Rodney nodded, sleepily, then closed his eyes.

Pushing himself away from the bed, Sheppard turned, and was hobbling out of the door when a voice called him back.

"John?"

He glanced back, and saw one blue eye had cracked open.

"Thank you. For, ah, back on the planet. Saving my life, and everything."

He floundered at the unexpected gratitude, searching for an appropriate response. "Any time." And meant it. Added: "McKay?"

"Mm?"

"That best scientist in Atlantis comment? Don't let it go to your head."

There was no response, but there was a smug, self-satisfied smile on the scientist's face as he finally settled to sleep.


	25. Three Stooges

Author's Notes: It's the end! Wow. I never thought I'd see it. Thank you for every single review, they're lovely to read, and you're all wonderful for writing them. Thanks go again to OXBastetXO for her help in a couple of technical details.

**If I Die**

Chapter Twenty Five - Three Stooges

Elizabeth heard the team before she saw them.

Was surprised the entire station couldn't hear it. A pause, then a sudden, thunderous rattle of metal upon metal, and a number of whoops and cries from several identifiable sources.

She risked a peek around the corner of the corridor, and couldn't help but smile at the scene.

At the far end, upon a table, sat McKay, propping himself up with one arm awkwardly, and in his free hand he held what looked to be a stopwatch. Beside him stood Teyla, holding a scrap of dull white sheeting roughly daubed with black squares. Ahead of them, along the corridor, raced the two men.

Then perhaps that was crediting them with too much maturity.

Ford rode a wheelchair, McKay's, she guessed. He was pushed far forward in the seat, almost bent double as he wrestled with the two wheels, driving the contraption forward as fast as he could manage. His hands kept slipping on the wheels, then grabbed hold again. At about a meter's width was Sheppard. He stood – or rather, skated upon…

Now where had he got one of _those_?

Stepping backwards and out of sight, Weir carefully smoothed her uniform, pursed her lips into a mock frown, waiting until she judged the thunderous rattling of metal could come no closer… and then walked out into the corridor.

Ford yelped with surprise and slammed on the brakes, nearly jerking his arms out of their sockets with the effort. The sudden force caused the wheelchair to topple backwards, and she heard a distinct "Crap!" as his head hit the floor. Sheppard was initially a little more dignified, aiming for a skid, pushing out with one foot to send his skateboard into a right angle, touching off the wall as leverage. If he'd been on a conventional, Earth-made board he might have succeeded, but under this unexpected stress the home-crafted wood and hand driven nails protested angrily, before collapsing completely. With the support under his right foot suddenly in splinters, Sheppard toppled sideways and landed on the floor in an ungainly heap.

In the silence that followed one of the skateboard's wheels decided to separate from the group and rolled across the floor comically, coming to a stop at Weir's feet.

"Did I interrupt something?" she asked, finding it very hard to remain straight-faced.

Sheppard gave an exaggerated groan, pushing himself into a sitting position. Behind him Ford had struggled out of the overturned wheelchair and was sat on the floor, rubbing what was undoubtedly a significant bruise on the back of his head.

"Nothing important," Teyla responded, a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. Putting down the starting flag, she walked across to Aiden and offered him a hand up.

"Nothing important?" Sheppard protested, picking at the remains of his skateboard. "I was about to win the Atlantis record for the hundred meter race!"

"On two wheels," McKay added.

Weir considered the scientist for a second, gladdened by the sight of colour in his cheeks, the brightness of his eyes. Didn't let her stony façade drop. "Am I right in thinking this would be an Atlantis record because –"

"It's never been tried before?" Teyla finished. "I did point this out to the Major, Doctor Weir."

"That just makes it more exciting." Sheppard retrieved the errant wheel and fingered it sorrowfully. "Or at least, it was until my board broke."

"We can build a new one," Ford offered. "Maybe it just needs a little reinforcement –" He stopped, silenced by a look from Weir. "Uh… that is, uh, if we're, um, allowed."

"I have no objection to hobbies on Atlantis," Weir started, in her best school mistress manner. Then she slipped up, let a smile escape. "I might suggest better places to hold the races. You didn't have to pick a populated section of Atlantis."

Sheppard got to his feet, using the wall as leverage, then started ineffectually rubbing at the dirt on his pants. "Yeah, well Carson said we could only take Rodney out for a day trip if we promised to stay close to the infirmary."

"And you decided the best way to spend the time was to hold skateboard races in the middle of a corridor?"

"That wasn't our first idea," Ford started, "We were gonna –" He stopped again, this time due to the cutthroat actions Sheppard was miming behind Elizabeth's back.

"It's partly my fault," McKay broke in.

Weir turned to him, raised an eyebrow. "Really? How?"

"Uh…" Rodney glanced downwards, then back up. "Not sure," he admitted. "Just thought I should add something. It was actually all Major Sheppard's idea."

"Oh, thanks, Rodney."

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me." Elizabeth glanced at Sheppard, who was doing his best to look chagrined. "Perhaps you'd like to retrieve the parts of your skateboard and keep the rest of this race for another day? I need to speak to Rodney."

"Right. Sorry." Sheppard bent down and started scooping the remains of his creation into his hands. Aiden righted the wheelchair, then rolled it across to McKay's table. He offered a hand to Rodney, but the scientist shrugged it off.

"I'm fine," he snapped, defensively. Shifting forward, McKay let his feet touch the floor, then slowly dropped his weight onto them, supporting his upper body on his arms against the table. His forearms quivered with the effort, his face draining of colour, and it was only the quick movements of his teammates that prevented a complete collapse – Sheppard's arm under one shoulder, Ford's under the other, and Teyla maneuvering the wheelchair underneath McKay's body so he could be lowered into it gently, if a little awkwardly.

A scarlet flush across his cheeks contrasted with the grey. "Thanks," McKay mumbled, shifting in the chair. He shot a look up at Ford. "The seat's still warm."

"My pleasure," Ford grinned.

Sheppard's face scrunched into look of revulsion. "Oh, that's disgusting."

Teyla looked confused. "I do not understand."

"I'll let Major Sheppard explain," Weir said smoothly, trying not to grin. She took hold of the wheelchair handles and started to gently push Rodney back towards the infirmary. She could still hear the two children bickering as she turned the corner. "Feeling better?"

"Much." He tilted his head to try and look up at her. "Ready to go back to work."

"Don't even try," she advised. "Dr Zelenka is more than able to handle your workload."

He snorted. "Glad to know I'm missed."

She patted his shoulder with one hand. "You're irreplaceable, Rodney." And quickly, so his ego couldn't expand, "That doesn't mean I'm about to let you back into your lab."

"Huh." She knew he was scowling. "Carson's a worry wart."

"Possibly. He's also the chief medical officer." She'd pushed the chair to a nearby door, which opened automatically onto a balcony. It was a warm day, the sun spilling over a calm blue sea, a slight breeze ruffling her hair. She maneuvered the chair to one side, so McKay was facing out into the ocean, then stepped back to stand beside him.

He said nothing for a moment, closing his eyes, obviously enjoying the fresh air. She smiled, and did the same, putting the reports and orders and reviews awaiting her attention out of her mind.

But only for a moment. "The Silani have called."

He'd opened his eyes, but was still looking out into the ocean.

"Several hours ago we received a radio communication."

"I guess that lab held more than just weapons statistics."

She winced, and nodded. "They're learning how to use the Stargate. I believe they saw the address for Atlantis when Teyla used the DHD."

"Huh. Did they have anything interesting to say? How's the weather? Wish you were here?"

There seemed little point in faking a smile. "It seems there's been a change in government. Marikar is no longer head of the Silani council."

"Amin took charge, did he?"

She dipped her head slightly. "They've asked for our help, Rodney. They've found a lot of information that could help rebuild their civilization, but their scientists need training."

One hand waved in the vague direction of the ocean. "Send Kavanagh. He'll like having minions."

She frowned. "Rodney…"

"Fine." She watched him shift awkwardly in his chair, grimacing, one hand moving to clutch at his side. "Are you going to ask Sheppard?"

"I've already spoken to him."

"And?"

"_We don't owe them anything, Elizabeth. I'm not ordering him back there, and I'm sure as hell not going either."_

"He said," she spoke delicately, "that the decision was up to you. You are in the best position to decide whether an alliance would be advantageous to both sides."

"You mean, what would we get out of it?" He sighed. "I don't know. I barely glimpsed the lab and, ah, I was a little distracted."

She saw his hand tighten around the arm of the wheelchair, knuckles white. Kept her voice cool. "I realize their technology is not as advanced as ours, but there are other opportunities. Our food supplies need replenishing and from what Teyla's report said, Silan is a fertile place. When it's been farmed properly –"

"Right." Another sigh. "We help them out with their science experiments, they give us their first …" another wave, "bread crop, or something."

"Or something," she agreed. Took the couple of steps up to the edge of the balcony and leant out over the rail. "We need allies, Rodney."

"You should trust your allies," came back the response, bitter.

"I realize that." She pushed herself away from the rail and turned to face him. "I'm asking whether you think we can?"

He'd dropped his chin to his chest, folding his arms awkwardly. "You think I'm the right person to answer that?"

"I think you're the only one who can."

There was a long silence as he refused to look at her, one finger tapping insistently against the metal chair. Finally: "They were desperate. I can understand that."

"We all can," she agreed.

"When he could, Amin released us."

Her turn to look away from him. "Eventually."

"Right." McKay took a deep breath, lifting his head. "We need allies. But I think they'll need time to recover. As things stand, they don't have anything to offer."

She nodded. "Fair enough. And in a few months time?"

"Then we send Kavanagh."

She smiled, met his gaze and nodded with mock solemnity. "Fair enough." Added, "It might be an idea to send a team with him."

McKay pulled a face. "I suppose."

Dropping a hand to her shoulder, she moved the chair away from the balcony edge to the door. "I take it he's causing trouble in the labs?"

"More than usual. Zelenka's ready to throw him overboard." Added, thoughtfully: "That wouldn't be a bad idea."

Disapproving: "Rodney."

"Only a _little_ overboard." Paused. "Perhaps not."

"No." She was about to push the wheelchair towards the door, then stopped. "Now that I have you out here, perhaps you could let me in on a secret?"

He looked up at her suspiciously. "Elizabeth?"

"Tell me what Major Sheppard was originally planning to do before this skateboard race?"

McKay rolled his eyes. "I'm sworn to secrecy."

"I'll tell that to Carson," she said, meaningfully. Watched him bite his lip, and glare at her.

"Fine. Although I want it made clear I'm only telling you under threat of torture."

"The infirmary is hardly torture," she admonished.

He ignored her. "Bottle rockets."

"Really?" She took hold of the chair again, and rolled it through the open doorway.

"Yes." McKay twisted his head up to look at her. "Why? What are you going to do?"

Elizabeth put on her best innocent look. "Rodney. What would make you think I'd stoop down to their level?"

THE END (phew!)


End file.
